ephemeral

this post is so long overdue but i couldn't let 2018 go unnoted, and it's funny how i find myself struggling to find the words to write about it even though there is so much to be said. i've settled for this—a sort of retrospective rather than a re-cap. words make 2018 no justice, but bear with me as i try—one last time—to make sense of it.

1. the year in 3 words

fun, surreal, new

2. what you are most thankful for

i'm thankful for the people of 2018. new friends pushed me out of my boundaries and old ones kept me grounded at times it felt the world was spinning out of control. and i'm thankful for london, forever and always, and all of the things that happened solely because i am here.

3. something you discovered about yourself

see, the thing is—so many things that i don't even know where to begin. i will say though, perhaps the most surprising one was an unabashed capacity do be un-cynical. and this is something that needs (so much) work still, but it's there, somewhere, and i found it last year.

4. the achievement you're most proud of

getting a job and doing my best at it, no matter how insignificant it seemed. it was my first job and even though it was mind-numbing, i still learned so much with it. i've came out a better person out of it.

5. a quality that turned out to be helpful

emotional resilience (aka toughness) because this whole living-2-very-different-very-separate-lives affair isn't for the faint of heart.

6. a new skill you learned

watercolours (a bit) and how to open champagne bottles (although that might've been beginners luck, further empirical evidence to be conducted in 2019. hopefully!)

7. an event you'll tell your grandchildren about

lff: all the process leading up to it, the funny anecdotes, the friends i made and how it felt to be there, to be doing that and how meaningful it was. i want to believe it was lff because it means it'll still be relevant then.

8. if 2018 was a book, what genre would it be

fanfiction

9. an experience you would want to have again

making a film like i did for my tv module. it definitely set a precedent i don't want to let go of.

10. a mental block you overcome

not being so private about things that have no business being kept inside. i guess in a way i just became unapologetically me, even if it meant apparent change. i'm just not trying to be this well kept secret anymore. it's for the best.

11. little things you enjoyed most about your daily life

again, for the nth time, just living in london. walking around doing mundane stuff, like going to the supermarket and walking back home, or just going for a walk at the park, the tube rides i've learned to grow—just having all that take place here.

12. habits cultivated

going to bed hella late (no one said it had to be a good habit). writing, writing, writing, getting back to it, falling in love all over again, and realising i never want to not do it again.

13. something that took an 180

my lifestyle for sure. i moved out in 2017 but i only really settled last year, especially now that i'm renting and having to pay bills and commute. i think it went from 'oh wow i'm adulting' to 'this is just the way life is now'.

14. favourite moment with friends

i'd say the night of my sister's birthday when it was oddly warm and we all sat outside under the stars, listening to the crickets and just telling the most random stories. it wasn't deep or anything, but it just felt right and peaceful. also followed by a massive feels-fest with mags which felt like taking the cap off a soda bottle that had been being shaken for the past 8 months.

15. what made you lose track of time

again, writing. 

16. adivce you'd give your january 2018 self

don't get too caught up in having things neat and figured out. it's going to be so messy, but that's the fun in it. let go. control is appreciated but not necessary. you'll live and feel so alive. 

17. top 3 best days/moments

again, lff, lorde's concert, sis' birthday

18. something to leave behind and something to carry to 2019

i want to leave behind self-doubt and self-manipulation, but also the kind of perfecticionism that leads to distrust. i need to be more flexible and reliant on myself and on others. paradoxically, to 2019 i want to carry the will to try new things and say yes more often, until it becomes second nature.

so many beautiful things were brought to and into my life last year and i hope the next 12 months will be dedicated to nurturing them.