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thoughts on home

by M

i used to wonder about when would i start referring to going to london as 'going home'. i found out that's totally beside the point. if there's one thing i can tell you after living abroad for 7 months is that home isn't a place. it's a feeling. it's like having all the pieces to the puzzle within yourself, regardless of where you are. like how i always say that home is where the horses are. and now more than ever that doesn't have to mean going to the barn and being with my horse. horses are such a huge part of who i am, that wherever i find them, i'm bound to feel at home. complete, if you will. i was thinking about this at the beach this week. after so long away from all things even just resembling of summer, i wondered if it would feel weird or foreign. and of course it didn't. the tides will always rip, the sand feels the same on your toes, the water curls around your ankles no matter which continent you're in. the beach is home, even if i didn't grow up by the shore.


so when i think of london now, i think of it as home. and i'm not sure if that's the city itself, or rather the life i have there now. my tiny bedroom overflooding with little bits of me. my friends and our plans. going to school and grocery shopping. those were things that i didn't have here, but that now... feel like home. and the funny thing is—this town that i hate so dearly, sometimes i wonder if it was ever home. sure, it's where i was made, as in, grew up and became me. these are the solid foundations, and i can't change that. (seems i'm never letting go of suburbia.) but that has nothing to do with this place, so much as the things i've lived and experienced throughout the years living here. i've realised that at somepoint this has stopped being home and started being back home. back, as in, in the past somehow. as in, the things that i used to do and have here. and now i'm doing things elsewhere, so i guess that's bound to become home. 


and it's like not even sad at all. it's kinda cool, if i'm honest. having this ability to be at home no matter where. anywhere, maybe. give me a big city, the sea, horses or just a place where i can go to write on late nights—i'll be home.