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09
Set18

on things left unsaid

by M

i wish i could tell you all about my last month or so in london but the reason why i didn't write about it at the time was because i didn't know how to. i never felt before how i felt then. the sun shining and the days so long and the countless strolls around the city all by myself and with friends, and dinners and lunches out, and going to uni but feeling like going to work, and late nights writing and just existing in this state of pure bliss. i look back on those days and they seem a haze never ending blur of just beaming and feeling like anything is possible, which i guess is very symptomatic of june. that time existed in a different realm.

 

lorde's concert. that can't go un-noted because it was single handedly the best concert of my life and the best part was that i knew as it happened, it wasn't a 'in hindsight' kinda thing, no. right there and there, with the breeze, and the best crowd, and her beautiful voice and music and presence, and her glittery makeup and holographic outfit, i felt it and i think everyone felt it too—one of the best summer nights. we jumped and sang and cried and danced danced danced and i felt so at ease, so at home, like if nothing else we'll have concerts. this sort of concert where everyone is on the same wavelength and we all feel it the same when this or that song comes along because lorde and especially melodrama truly is the anthem of millennialism right now.

 

then came america. toronto all bright and warm and pretty stole my heart—straight to my top favourite cities. i'd never live there and i can't even imagine what it must be like during winter, but just walking those skyscraper-lined streets and big avenues i felt instantly at 'home' whatever tf that means. vegas was the most surreal places i've ever been to and it took a solid 24h (the time we were there pretty much) and some vast wikipedia research for this intj brain to even just begin to grasp....what the fuck is going on there to be honest. but it was an interesting experience and we got to go to grand canyon which was nothing like i expected from films but absolutely breathtaking and mindblowing nonetheless. and we drove through desert and found ourselves in la again. in la again. this sentence also doesn't make a lot of sense to my intj brain. because i get to be in la for a few hours and be like 'oh this city is cool i missed it'. we went to disneyland as per my request which was kinda weird because i don't ever make requests and suddenly i'd dragged 7 other grown ass humans to freaking disneyland. but it was amazing and magical and fantastic and so much fun and i totally bought an overly expensive stich jacket and it's my new favourite thing. northern california was such an amazing surprise, it feels nothing like any other place i've been to america. i loved the vibes but maybe that's only because everyone is rich af and we all know i have some seriously bougie tendencies. napa valley was beautiful and oddly familiar. carmel was the kind of place you see in films, but good ones. san fran.......i'm not sure?? i see what they mean it's like an american(ised) version of lisbon, it's totally there. but i expected it to be more like la in the sense that it's still very much a big busy city but like...in a weird way? this makes no sense because honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about san fran other than confused.

 

we spent some time at the beach and because it wasn't very long i think i really made the most of it. it was very chill and quiet and honestly very much needed. then we headed to gramps' for a while and dumbly enough it was one of the highlights of the summer. i think it was only then (and there?) i felt truly at home, back at home. i lunged in the sun and wrote in the evenings and felt carefree and young and dumb. we went out a few times and tbh it was pretty wild and so much fun. watching the sunrise by the beach and those quiet walks down the driveway when no one speaks because silence is precious. and on constança's birthday we sat outside under the stars and talked for hours and it wasn't even deep our anything we were just telling stories in hushed voices but it felt like time had stopped for a while just to let us talk for a bit longer. and then mags and i had a major Feels™ attack but like irl!!! fucking finally!!! we deserved it goddamn. it was so so so hilarious and completely unapolagetically out of control. when i turned off the light that night i thought 'this was the best evening of the summer.' it still stands.

 

i spent some time at home going to the barn mostly and it felt like therapy. it was therapy, it's always been but even more so now. then michelle came and i played host for 10 days which was challenging but good fun and i think it was good to have her around right before i leave too because it's was sort of a transitional period between home-me and london-me.

 

today i said my last goodbyes, it wasn't sad so much as bittersweet but at least i know what i'm coming back (to london) to and honestly i can't wait. i miss it so much. i feel bad about how excited i am to go back. just doing what needs to be done i guess. and right now i need to be there. honestly it's not that deep. or rather i can't let it be.

05
Ago18

july aesthetics

by M

long nights, days in bed, films, cloudy weather, driving around town, lunches and brunches, the attic, staying awake waiting for words that never came, days with friends, weekend getaway, reading by the pool, beach and sunburns, icecream and smoothies, sunset rides, driving in the woods, memories with friends, family time, missed flights, airplanes and long flights, timezones, new places, new dreams, a roadtrip, long hours driving, loud laughs and quiet breaths, sunsets on the road, the desert, beautiful views, this planet is to die for, I can’t feel my legs, jet lag, places we’ve been to and new ones, new sights, new seas, new woods, breakfast outside, quirky posh towns and big skyscraper cities, mountains and fog, sunshine and the beach, becoming one with the sand beneath my body, feeling at ease in the middle of chaos, quiet nights, planning and dreaming, questioning and letting go, everchanging nature as the backdrop of never changing thoughts 

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31
Jul18

2018-08-31

by M

it is the most beautiful summer night i can remember. the air is so still you can almost touch it. someone is splashing in the pool and i can hear the trees rustling. it's warm but not sticky hot, like the world is getting ready to welcome august with a gentle kiss. i'm writing under the stars, counting constellations i haven't seen for months. i feel very peaceful and very present—very much the opposite of what i felt like just a year ago. all the worries and stresses and mundane things seem to be tucked away in a drawer, waiting for september to come. i'm a summer bean, and a very happy one 🌌🌴

17
Jun18

a summer bucketlist

by M

  • no boredom allowed whatsoever

  • no lazying to the point of no return

  • yoga and lots of it

  • meditation

  • reading

  • writing like it's your mf job

  • pool pool pool

  • morning swims

  • night swims

  • a tan to make jaws drop

  • the beach!!!!

  • photoshoots w friends

  • stargazing

  • that trip to berlin

  • walks in the woods

  • horses

  • smoothies and fruit

  • cooking + baking

27
Fev18

by M

i'll admit i don't miss much at all other than what's expected, but if there's one thing i long for and crave is summer nights when the window is open but room remains dead quiet, you sleep over the sheets half naked and still can't get comfortable and there's the kind of stillness in the air that makes you wonder whether you're truly alive or just dreaming.

26
Ago16

late post about porto

by M

I know these things always work out better when written right after the event, with the feeling still running through your veins raw and jitterish. I don't know how but over a month as passed by since the four of hopped in a car in a smoldering july noon and drove north for the weekend. Those few days I went to bed thinking 'I must write about this feeling of utter summer joy', but the occasion never seemed fitting or the words wide enough to describe it. Anyway. I still want to write about it, because it sure was an awesome few days.

As I mentioned, there were four of us in the car, joined by another two later. Only girls of course. To put it into context - I wasn't even planning on going to the Festival 'til about a month before, when babest Tom Odell decided to show up. Mostly everyone had their tickets, so I texted Q like "We're going!!!!!!!!!!" because I knew she wanted to go see Kodaline. We didn't exactly know who we were going with or how or where we'd stay, but God knows I'd sleep on concrete to watch Tom again live. I downloaded James Ba(e)y's and Kodaline's albums to spotify and along with Tom's brand new album that was my finals playlist playing on repeat for a month, through endless revision & whilst riding the bus to the school and back home.

We saw James and Kodaline on Friday evening, with a pretty sunset over the river and an unexpected urge to pee which vanished probably due to sweat or maybe pure adrenaline. I blasted James' songs like I'd done back home and giggled with the contagious good vibe Kodaline sent all through their awesome concert. When it was over, we sat on the floor and took silly pictures before venturing to the toilets. What followed was a hilarious car ride, which got us lost inside flat condos, throw some arm dance moves out the window, asking random strangers for directions at 3am and finally eating humongous slices of chocolate cake when we got home.

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Saturday saw a late and rather funny start, with us having breakfast past midday and cold showers in the basement true festival style (although inside the house, ofc). We left for Porto mid-afternoon, for an even later lunch and touristy walks through typical stops which of course included Éclairs. Then, Q and I caught an über and did our makeup on the way to the Festival again, this time just the two of us. It was still daylight and we walked around the area exploring before landing on our butts a mere metre away from the stage, waiting for Tom's concert.

Yes, I'd seen him before but it was just as magical, even when I was the only one blasting the new songs from end to end like I'd heard them a million times (I probably had). It's funny how he ditched the ripped jeans and white tee he'd worn last year and wore instead a blood-red shirt and neat black blazer and slacks. This did not stop him from being just slightly tipsy and having drinks on stage as per usual. I can't find the words to explain the vibe that guy pours on stage, all of him is music from the tip of his fingers smashing the piano to his childish smile. And the funny thing is, when you see someone live for the first time you don't expect it to be a first time. It's like a tick off a bucketlist, especially when it comes to your favorite artists. But then you see them again and all you can think is I need more. Again & again & again. It felt as though his energy was addictive. It was really that awesome.

The evening went on. Q and I sat on the grass eating pasta afterwards having deep converstation, especially when you come to think of the circumstances. It took us awhile to manage to find a taxi to drive us back to the city where we met the rest of the group and in addition my cousin. We spent the rest of the night bar-hopping and even dancing a little, but let me tell you -- two nights of festival are enough to tire you to the bones, let alone adding a little clubbing after that. Needless to say the sun was almost up when we manage to go to bed again (after a few slices of quiche, mind you), but it sure was worth it.

It was one hell of a weekend.

02
Ago16

summer break so far

by M
It's fair to mention that whilst summer has, in fact, not been filled with tropical adventures, it hasn't been that bad either. It's actually treating me quite well. 

After final season was over, I treated myself to riding twice a week and lazy-ing around the house in just a tshirt and knickers. I spent a fair amount of my days working on that pre-tan by the pool, not even bothering to read a book. I played sims 4 to the point it got uninteresting and binge watched The 100. My days easily became a scattered routine of barn time/house time and nothing could've been better, despite mom's attempts at having me do something productive. 

Almost a month later, I hopped on a car with Mariana, Q & my sister and we drove up North (I promise that's subject of another post entirely). When the weekend was over, Constança and I moved to gran's and I swear it was the best few days. I missed it there so much, especially because we didn't go last year. 

The house was filled with kids running around the garden and even a new baby (the solemn 15th cousin), which set this atmosphere of undeniable joy and brightness. We took the kids to the beach, ate croissants, layed on the grass, baked brigadeiros at midnight, stole granny's booze to make caipirinhas for afternoon tea and overall we just had a splendid summertime. Now we're by the beach in the weirdest house ever, but the sea has really been something else and I've been making up for all the swims I didn't have last year. 

Most of all - and knock knock knock on the wood - this summer has been passing by at a decent pace, just slowly enough for me to be able to hold on to every bit of it with the proper care and attention summer needs to be treated with. 

It's been a good time.