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a whiny post

by M

i think bottom line is this summer has been great but it hasn't felt like summers used to feel, have always felt. i don't know why, maybe it's just the pressure of the clock ticking, of knowing time is running and running out. then again maybe that's just an excuse. i've been trying to make sense of this as per usual and failing as per usual—i wonder if i'll ever get used to it. usually i try writing about it but it's hard when i don't even know when i'm writing about.

there are so many thing that i've left unsaid, things worth sharing that i haven't shared and that sucks because i love going through those memories in text format and i guess now it's a bit too late. i think this is a symptom of my newfound refusal to look back and dwell on the past. when time slips out of your hands and the future is galloping towards you at dazzling speed you can't lose focus looking back. and while i think that in the big picture that's a good thing, it's also kinda sad. because good things happened that i'd like to revisit in the future, but writing about them later never makes them justice.





by M

there's things i wanna write about but i'm avoiding writing about them because writing means facing what i'm feeling and i kinda don't want to feel things because i feel like i've been feeling a lot.


also i'm so done i just want summer and not running on caffeine, swims, tanlines, falling asleep with open windows, smoothies for breakfast, mangos for lunch, salads for dinner, no adulting. yes please no adulting, no laundry, no dishes, no work, i really need to downgrade for a while.


this is not a complaing post, i love life and i'm so happy but i got caught up on that and forgot about the bigger picture. also i slept for 4h. 


the plans for tonight are:

  • no tumblr ✗
  • playing nice music ✓
  • tidy the bedroom ✓
  • clean the toilet ✓
  • be patient with myself ✓
  • facemasks and scrubs ✓
  • washing my hair ✓
  • sampling my henna dye ✗
  • meditation if i'm feeling brave 
  • maybe write for a while
  • watch a bit of cmbyn
  • get a good night's sleep


peace out


by M

if i hear anyone say climate change isn't a thing ever again i will punch their heads out of their asses, look out of your fucking window you moron.



the future is now

by M

every once in a while i pop over onto my old blog, choose a month or a year, and go through what I wrote at the time. i don't think back then i realized how precious it was that i was documenting such a long period of my life, especially one that involved so much changing and growing. i'm so glad that i did. in a lot of ways my writing has improved and somehow matured. i used to blog as if it were a journal; and to a certain extent i still do, but now it's more like sporadic wordvomit on things that i can't get out of my mind, or rambles, or something that i know i'll want to remember in the future.


anyway, today i was reading some stuff from 2013 which in hindsight was kind of a turning point in my life. nineth grade was so much fun, an explosive cocktail of hormones and childishness with sprinkles of friendship on top. and dreams, god knows i had dreams bursting through my seams and i truly felt like anything was possible. i was invincible somehow. and then high school came, and with it self doubt and disappointment and a lack of motivation that weighed about 70 tons and that stupid town sucking the soul right out of me. high school was shit and all i wanted was to get away and see the world, volunteer in costa rica, do a spiritual retreat in south-eastern asia, move to lisbon, runaway. but then it didn't happen and i went straight into uni, half-heartedly, angry and not knowing what to expect. when i settled down i came in here and formally apologised to my 14 year-old self and moved on.


i learned a big lesson on how no matter how much you plan (and god knows i love me some planning) things don't always turn out the way you want or expected them to, but that's okay. that doesn't mean you have to give up. you just carve your way through this new direction you're headed and you might actually find that you like the trail and the views and the people who show up in the way. i loved lisbon already, but living there grew on my like wild flowers on the sidewalk. it feels like home in a way that my town never will. it was an avid love affair, lisbon and me. like flirting with life, saying 'i could stay and love you but i kinda want to go now'. 


i guess bottom line is: a year later, i have nothing to be sorry about. the 14 year-old in me is thrilled and frolicking through life with a spring in her step. i took shortcuts and rocky roads to get here, but i did. i spent the last 4 years dreaming of this and now that i'm here i feel a bit like this gif:


because this was the ultimate goal, the whole time. a pipe dream, i guess. but now i'm here and for the first time i have no other plans other than living every day as it comes. i have lost my ability to make long-term plans, somehow. people insist on asking what do i want to do after i graduate. first of all, i have been here for 3 freaking weEKS like what the fuck. please chill. second of all, i have no idea and there's something incredibly liberating about it. because it's not like i'm lost and confused, rather i see a world of options and opportunities unraveling and for now sorry but i can't pick one thing out of the million possibilities. simultaneously, i haven't felt this inspired in a very long time. every day i get to my room and all i want is to write and paint and draw. as i said, high school was shit and in a way uni last year, although incomparably better, was still pretty dull. i am SO DONE labelling myself; i won't ever let anyone else put me in a box and say 'this is where you belong now'. the box is always too small and uncomfortable and some corners stink. yeah, a part of me might fit the box, but i'm so much more beyond that. i belong in a million more boxes, or rather in no box at all. and honestly i don't give a fuck about your expectations.

what if we decided sentences should end in capitalS. it would be weird as hecK. then who the fuck decided they should stat in capitalS? what if it would be the miDdle letter on a sentence. capitals are dumB. imagine nameS. matildE. maybe people would call me e insteaD of M??? Fucking mIndblowinG.

This morning I got a random message from Alice asking when I was leaving. She said we need to see each other before I leave (obvs). "I want you to take a pot of our honey with you." Yes. This is my friend from middle school, Alice. This was also probably the sweetest thing that's ever happened.


Later today I talked to Lara. Eventually I felt the need to ask her directly why she wasn't coming to my goodbye party. She said "her parents don't think it's a good idea." Fuck her parents. But honestly, fuck her too. Fuck her for being my bestfriend for the past 4 years and not giving a shit about me leaving. Moments after that she tell me she can't come to Lisbon for the weekend too, "because she's broke". Well 


So here's to the people left behind. Goodbye, I love you. I'll see you at Christmas. Maybe, maybe not. And here's to the people in the sidelines while I follow my dreams. People like Alice. We'll stay in touch. 


That's the whole fucking point.



about this era

by M

I feel like sims stopped looking like humans, but humans started to look like sims

roxi 1.png


bun 1.png


nikkie 1.png

...and I'm not sure how I feel about it.



absence as per usual

by M

i can't believe it's been a month since i last posted, especially after vowing to try and write every single day. to be fair i have been writing oftenish in other places scattered through life, but it never ends up being here for some reason.


i think mostly because all that i feel like writing about is london because it's been on my mind 24/7, but i still haven't managed to collect my thoughts and put them into words. which is funny because generally i collect my thoughts by putting them into words, you see and this time around it's such a whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, worries, emotions that i can't quite grasp them myself let alone express them.


i am trying, trust me. i've tried sitting down with the sole purpose of spilling it all out but i don't even know where to begin; i think because in a way it traces so far back that it's nearly impossible to pinpoint. maybe i'll end up writing 10k words about how every minute has led to this although that would probably turn into a whole dissertation about coincidence and energy and the universe and god. to be fair i don't really know if it's even possible to pull them apart - chance and me moving to london.


this reminds me of that one time alice and i wrote a song in class back in 9th grade. maybe i'll write about that one.


by M

found my old polyvore account today and the bio is "I always fall for fictional characters" story of my life???


fuck this week

by M
  • went to lisbon on sunday to start driving lessons on monday // there were no lessons
  • stayed in lisbon to have a london meeting // the meeting was shit and lasted 20mins
  • came home to have sewing class // they cancelled
  • had plans to see q tomorrow // her mom decided no at midnight

fuck this fucking week fuck you week FUCK YOU


  • bought a 13€ Paris Guide because it came with a map // dropped the map in mom's car which is now back in Lisbon and won't come back until saturday