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01
Abr18

thoughts on home

by M

i used to wonder about when would i start referring to going to london as 'going home'. i found out that's totally beside the point. if there's one thing i can tell you after living abroad for 7 months is that home isn't a place. it's a feeling. it's like having all the pieces to the puzzle within yourself, regardless of where you are. like how i always say that home is where the horses are. and now more than ever that doesn't have to mean going to the barn and being with my horse. horses are such a huge part of who i am, that wherever i find them, i'm bound to feel at home. complete, if you will. i was thinking about this at the beach this week. after so long away from all things even just resembling of summer, i wondered if it would feel weird or foreign. and of course it didn't. the tides will always rip, the sand feels the same on your toes, the water curls around your ankles no matter which continent you're in. the beach is home, even if i didn't grow up by the shore.

 

so when i think of london now, i think of it as home. and i'm not sure if that's the city itself, or rather the life i have there now. my tiny bedroom overflooding with little bits of me. my friends and our plans. going to school and grocery shopping. those were things that i didn't have here, but that now... feel like home. and the funny thing is—this town that i hate so dearly, sometimes i wonder if it was ever home. sure, it's where i was made, as in, grew up and became me. these are the solid foundations, and i can't change that. (seems i'm never letting go of suburbia.) but that has nothing to do with this place, so much as the things i've lived and experienced throughout the years living here. i've realised that at somepoint this has stopped being home and started being back home. back, as in, in the past somehow. as in, the things that i used to do and have here. and now i'm doing things elsewhere, so i guess that's bound to become home. 

 

and it's like not even sad at all. it's kinda cool, if i'm honest. having this ability to be at home no matter where. anywhere, maybe. give me a big city, the sea, horses or just a place where i can go to write on late nights—i'll be home.

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31
Mar18

an update of sorts

by M

there have been a looooot of things in my mind the past month or so, things i wanna write about, but my mind has been an especially hectic place lately and i still haven't been able to gather my thoughts quietly enough to pin them down and write about them.

i'm home for easter. it's both weird and right. it smells like christmas and feels like summer. i'm not sure where home is anymore, but i don't think that's a bad thing. just a thing. this attic is still a part of me. 

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27
Fev18

by M

i'll admit i don't miss much at all other than what's expected, but if there's one thing i long for and crave is summer nights when the window is open but room remains dead quiet, you sleep over the sheets half naked and still can't get comfortable and there's the kind of stillness in the air that makes you wonder whether you're truly alive or just dreaming.

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17
Nov17

it's been a while

by M

i'm back at that point in which life is happening so fast that it's hard to sit down and write about it, and the more i postpone it, the more i have to write about and then it's just seems like it's too much too put into words. but i'll try my best.

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i went home for reading week which was just as amazing as it was overwhelming. it was so great to let go of adulting for a while, not having to worry about groceries and dishes and toilets to clean and laundry to do. but at the same time it felt weird sliding back into that role of being a daughter and living in a cohesive household. either way it felt normal to be home, which i didn't know i was expecting it not to. it was fun to run around town trying to catch up with friends and for once i actually did it. when you are away and only have a set amount of time to see people, things just work themselves out. which in a way is kind of sad, because it means if i were around i would probably not make as much effort to see them (nor would they). but i'm glad i did. monday i had hot chocolate with emma and carolina. tuesday i had pizza for lunch with alice, and then met q and crashed her class. we went for cocktails over sunset and sushi dinner with lara. on wednesday i went riding but idk if it were better or worse. i missed it more than i could put into words and in a sense being on the saddle felt no different at all. it was like it had been 2 days rather than 2 months, and i was so grateful for that, because i don't wanna lose it. but i hated being there feeling like it isn't my place anymore, like even if just a little a bit i don't belong there anymore. it broke my already broken heart. by the time i hopped on the car with mom that evening, i was overwhelmed and overthinking, i caught myself wondering i just wanna go back to london. there's a balance between london-life and home-life i haven't quite mastered yet, of course, and some moments back home they felt totally incompatible. i know that's not true and not fair, but i'm being honest here and that's what it felt like leaving the house on wednesday night.

 

back in lisbon things got better, naturally. the house has always had this specific smell and i wondered how that smell went from being someone else's house, to being home and now a new kind of category of being somewhere that used to be home. i went to see my friends at uni and even crashed their class and went to one of those lousy su parties and the whole time i was thinking how much easier life was in lisbon in a lot of ways, but how i wouldn't go back to it for anything in this world. living in lisbon was like i was living a borrowed life: one that fit me well but wasn't quite my style. and i've mentioned times and times over how much i love that city dearly, in ways i couldn't possibly love london because they're just too different. the same way i'm growing to love london in ways that lisbon couldn't possibly be loved. anyway. i had a great time. mags and i went for our usual breakfast at our usual spot, and there's like a million other breakfast spots in town that we haven't even tried but i like how it's our thing. and of course we ended up staying there chatting for two hours. then in the evening i went to patricia's birthday dinner which was pizza so yum and then we went to park for drinks and it was the best back-to-lisbon spot. the views, the atmosphere, how we sat outside in a november night, delicious cocktails that seem quite cheap now. everything was perfect. even staying home on friday finishing up my essays in pajamas practically all day felt perfect. and by the end of the afternoon we went to the mall and even though i didn't buy anything or had a starbucks drink it was nice to just walk around the neighbourhood for a while as the sun set.

 

on saturday i packed up and headed to the airport with the fam and a bonus of q who joined me for a few days in london. it was a hectic day, driving up north, the usual airplane delay, train ride back to central. although i still feel like a tourist wandering the city, getting lost in the maze of tfl, always with google maps in hand, although i live in a dirty road with nothing but fried chicken and kebab shops, although it's only been 2 months, i opened the door to my boxy room last saturday and i thought of it as home. or at least a tiny piece of london that belongs to me.

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13
Jun17

life update

by M

Today I've packed most of my stuff from Lisbon and took the train back home. I didn't bring just clothes and toiletries, but more permanent stuff like my stuffed horse, cameras and purses. Classes are over and I spent the whole of last week soaking up Lisbon in all of its sunshiny glory, frolicking around town with my friends. We went south for the weekend I couldn't believe just how much I missed the beach. Sure I was at the beach in April in Malaysia, but it's different here. It's our beaches somehow, and the routines we've grown around it as family. The way we position ourselves in the sand almost always the same, how I end up crawling to the shade eventually while dad fries up in the sun for hours on end, mom's swims and how my sister always wants to stay a little bit longer.

 

And just like that, it seems, summer is upon us. My hair has grown into braids and for the first time in a long time I can't remember the last time I cut it. I finished this first year of uni, which was also the last. This last few weeks were just a hazy stretch of time, waiting for motivation that never came while cramming a semester's worth of workload into endless days, too many papers and little hours of sleep. It was not half as stressful as the first semester, mostly because I didn't let it be. Because I kept my focus on passing instead of succeeding for once. It didn't feel completely right, to be honest, but it was worth it. I skept uni to go to London and it really ignited a new kind of spark. Maybe the premise of a new chapter, or holding your breath when your about to leap into the pool.

 

Now I'm back home and today it really feels like it. How the sunset poured into the kitchen at dinner time, and just sitting here in the dimly lit attic, with the steady tic-toc of the clock while watching series and writing, at last.

 

I can't keep myself from wondering where the hell did time go. But I've been trying not to give much thought into it, especially considering what it means to have gotten here. June, that is. In 3 months I'll be living oceans away from home.

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