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on things left unsaid

by M

i wish i could tell you all about my last month or so in london but the reason why i didn't write about it at the time was because i didn't know how to. i never felt before how i felt then. the sun shining and the days so long and the countless strolls around the city all by myself and with friends, and dinners and lunches out, and going to uni but feeling like going to work, and late nights writing and just existing in this state of pure bliss. i look back on those days and they seem a haze never ending blur of just beaming and feeling like anything is possible, which i guess is very symptomatic of june. that time existed in a different realm.


lorde's concert. that can't go un-noted because it was single handedly the best concert of my life and the best part was that i knew as it happened, it wasn't a 'in hindsight' kinda thing, no. right there and there, with the breeze, and the best crowd, and her beautiful voice and music and presence, and her glittery makeup and holographic outfit, i felt it and i think everyone felt it too—one of the best summer nights. we jumped and sang and cried and danced danced danced and i felt so at ease, so at home, like if nothing else we'll have concerts. this sort of concert where everyone is on the same wavelength and we all feel it the same when this or that song comes along because lorde and especially melodrama truly is the anthem of millennialism right now.


then came america. toronto all bright and warm and pretty stole my heart—straight to my top favourite cities. i'd never live there and i can't even imagine what it must be like during winter, but just walking those skyscraper-lined streets and big avenues i felt instantly at 'home' whatever tf that means. vegas was the most surreal places i've ever been to and it took a solid 24h (the time we were there pretty much) and some vast wikipedia research for this intj brain to even just begin to grasp....what the fuck is going on there to be honest. but it was an interesting experience and we got to go to grand canyon which was nothing like i expected from films but absolutely breathtaking and mindblowing nonetheless. and we drove through desert and found ourselves in la again. in la again. this sentence also doesn't make a lot of sense to my intj brain. because i get to be in la for a few hours and be like 'oh this city is cool i missed it'. we went to disneyland as per my request which was kinda weird because i don't ever make requests and suddenly i'd dragged 7 other grown ass humans to freaking disneyland. but it was amazing and magical and fantastic and so much fun and i totally bought an overly expensive stich jacket and it's my new favourite thing. northern california was such an amazing surprise, it feels nothing like any other place i've been to america. i loved the vibes but maybe that's only because everyone is rich af and we all know i have some seriously bougie tendencies. napa valley was beautiful and oddly familiar. carmel was the kind of place you see in films, but good ones. san fran.......i'm not sure?? i see what they mean it's like an american(ised) version of lisbon, it's totally there. but i expected it to be more like la in the sense that it's still very much a big busy city but a weird way? this makes no sense because honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about san fran other than confused.


we spent some time at the beach and because it wasn't very long i think i really made the most of it. it was very chill and quiet and honestly very much needed. then we headed to gramps' for a while and dumbly enough it was one of the highlights of the summer. i think it was only then (and there?) i felt truly at home, back at home. i lunged in the sun and wrote in the evenings and felt carefree and young and dumb. we went out a few times and tbh it was pretty wild and so much fun. watching the sunrise by the beach and those quiet walks down the driveway when no one speaks because silence is precious. and on constança's birthday we sat outside under the stars and talked for hours and it wasn't even deep our anything we were just telling stories in hushed voices but it felt like time had stopped for a while just to let us talk for a bit longer. and then mags and i had a major Feels™ attack but like irl!!! fucking finally!!! we deserved it goddamn. it was so so so hilarious and completely unapolagetically out of control. when i turned off the light that night i thought 'this was the best evening of the summer.' it still stands.


i spent some time at home going to the barn mostly and it felt like therapy. it was therapy, it's always been but even more so now. then michelle came and i played host for 10 days which was challenging but good fun and i think it was good to have her around right before i leave too because it's was sort of a transitional period between home-me and london-me.


today i said my last goodbyes, it wasn't sad so much as bittersweet but at least i know what i'm coming back (to london) to and honestly i can't wait. i miss it so much. i feel bad about how excited i am to go back. just doing what needs to be done i guess. and right now i need to be there. honestly it's not that deep. or rather i can't let it be.



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