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it's been a while

by M

i'm back at that point in which life is happening so fast that it's hard to sit down and write about it, and the more i postpone it, the more i have to write about and then it's just seems like it's too much too put into words. but i'll try my best.


i went home for reading week which was just as amazing as it was overwhelming. it was so great to let go of adulting for a while, not having to worry about groceries and dishes and toilets to clean and laundry to do. but at the same time it felt weird sliding back into that role of being a daughter and living in a cohesive household. either way it felt normal to be home, which i didn't know i was expecting it not to. it was fun to run around town trying to catch up with friends and for once i actually did it. when you are away and only have a set amount of time to see people, things just work themselves out. which in a way is kind of sad, because it means if i were around i would probably not make as much effort to see them (nor would they). but i'm glad i did. monday i had hot chocolate with emma and carolina. tuesday i had pizza for lunch with alice, and then met q and crashed her class. we went for cocktails over sunset and sushi dinner with lara. on wednesday i went riding but idk if it were better or worse. i missed it more than i could put into words and in a sense being on the saddle felt no different at all. it was like it had been 2 days rather than 2 months, and i was so grateful for that, because i don't wanna lose it. but i hated being there feeling like it isn't my place anymore, like even if just a little a bit i don't belong there anymore. it broke my already broken heart. by the time i hopped on the car with mom that evening, i was overwhelmed and overthinking, i caught myself wondering i just wanna go back to london. there's a balance between london-life and home-life i haven't quite mastered yet, of course, and some moments back home they felt totally incompatible. i know that's not true and not fair, but i'm being honest here and that's what it felt like leaving the house on wednesday night.


back in lisbon things got better, naturally. the house has always had this specific smell and i wondered how that smell went from being someone else's house, to being home and now a new kind of category of being somewhere that used to be home. i went to see my friends at uni and even crashed their class and went to one of those lousy su parties and the whole time i was thinking how much easier life was in lisbon in a lot of ways, but how i wouldn't go back to it for anything in this world. living in lisbon was like i was living a borrowed life: one that fit me well but wasn't quite my style. and i've mentioned times and times over how much i love that city dearly, in ways i couldn't possibly love london because they're just too different. the same way i'm growing to love london in ways that lisbon couldn't possibly be loved. anyway. i had a great time. mags and i went for our usual breakfast at our usual spot, and there's like a million other breakfast spots in town that we haven't even tried but i like how it's our thing. and of course we ended up staying there chatting for two hours. then in the evening i went to patricia's birthday dinner which was pizza so yum and then we went to park for drinks and it was the best back-to-lisbon spot. the views, the atmosphere, how we sat outside in a november night, delicious cocktails that seem quite cheap now. everything was perfect. even staying home on friday finishing up my essays in pajamas practically all day felt perfect. and by the end of the afternoon we went to the mall and even though i didn't buy anything or had a starbucks drink it was nice to just walk around the neighbourhood for a while as the sun set.


on saturday i packed up and headed to the airport with the fam and a bonus of q who joined me for a few days in london. it was a hectic day, driving up north, the usual airplane delay, train ride back to central. although i still feel like a tourist wandering the city, getting lost in the maze of tfl, always with google maps in hand, although i live in a dirty road with nothing but fried chicken and kebab shops, although it's only been 2 months, i opened the door to my boxy room last saturday and i thought of it as home. or at least a tiny piece of london that belongs to me.