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by M

I've been let down. We all have, but I mean as of recently. And I caught myself thinking about this whole "disappointment" thing.


A couple a years ago I had this one friend - my best friend - who was the person that knew me, understood me, listened to me the most. We grew up together and I got to a point in which I could not fathom life without her. Like an anchor. But I was aware that by being the person closest to me, she was the one who had the power to hurt and break me the most and I believed it was worth the risk (I still do). When it happened though, it took me a long, long, long time to accept it... I knew it would happen, I knew it was happening, but I just couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that the person I trusted the most... was no longer there. We'd fallen apart. So I guess you can say I was kind of expecting. I knew it would be bad, but I never really thought it would happen, because I couldn't understand how. How does someone go from being one of the most important beings in your life to being someone you don't even recognize? The question remains unanswered.


After what happened between Rachel (that's her) and me, I've been struggling a lot to get close to people. It's second nature. I'm at a point in my life in which I feel like nothing lasts forever, everything is, well, ephemeral. I've grown to understand, accept and embrace it, and in that maybe I'll find my way into something that isn't. I don't know. However, since what happened I see deadlines on everything, mostly on people and especially on me. I feel like it'll only be a matter of time until people find out I'm not who they think I was or get tired or just don't see the point in our friendship anymore. And that's keeping me from letting people in. As it seems like everyone around me is making friends again, finding their place in the crowds and building strong relationships with people they bond with, I feel like I'm each and each time falling apart, struggling to keep up with the few old steady friendships that remain and trying hard not to fuck things up. But now I've been let down again, by the one person I thought I'd never lose. By the only non-ephemeral one, or so I thought.


Isn't this all a vicious cycle? I was wondering why we're only let down by people who mean the most and are closest to us. So here's the tricky thing: aren't we putting ourselves in the place to be let down? We know letting people in comes at a price - and yes, that includes the eventual miscommunication and a bit of disappointment. So aren't we the ones putting unecessary pressure into our relationships? Someone screws us up, we all do it - to what extent is that person's fault that they've hurt us, if we're the ones telling ourselves they probably won't in the first place? After all, we're entitled to make mistakes. But then again, that might ruin the whole purpose of a friendship in the first place, which is to know we can count on that someone. Being friends is the actual, but pleasant, weight of not failing one another - not because their counting on us, but because we'll do it wholeheartedly. If I'll do something (anything?) for my friends, am I not in the right to expect something back?


Is it selfish? Or am I just fooling myself?