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a post about johanna

by M

mind you, this isn't a post for johanna. for a while i thought about actually writing an "open letter for johanna" because i wanted to sort my thoughts out. but i realized i don't really have anything to say because i've said it all. for once in my life i literally don't have anything else to add.


this is kind of a follow up to the last post--which initially was supposed to be about being grateful that i have normal parents and can frolick around lisbon. in a unexpected turn of events it became a bit of a rant on privilege and even capitalism if you dig deep enough, but mostly about some resent that almost a year later i still held about what happened between johanna and me. which by the way i don't know what was. i really have ZERO ZÉRO CERO NULL idea what happened. i would very much like to know but really after all this time... would it matter? but a year is a enough time for one develop some speculations--which, honestly, i can't even remember what they're based on? like sure she's kinda let be somewhat clear that i am a spoiled brat in the past... but even i know that?? i don't know how i came up with this explanation but knowing my brain like i do dumb explanations, actually any explanation is better than no explanation at all so we settled for this i guess. 


honestly i don't even know if things could be fixed at this point. for once she's made it pretty clear she's not interested. and i am still so mad and offended, like i'd never been before really, that i don't know what i'd do. i am terrified i'll bump into her in lisbon someday. but god knows how i'd pay to have her explain this to me. i wouldn't even try to stand up for myself. i would gladly sit there quietly and hear it, i'm that curious at this point.


sometimes i wonder if she reads this. but then again that would be something i would do. and i wouldn't have stopped talking to her in a blink of an eye nor would i do a lot of the other nasty stuff she's done. and the funny thing is i still miss her and her sassy remarks and the presence she was in my life. there's still a huge gap in the place she once stood somehow. and that's why to this day i'm still in utter UTTER disbelief. i can't believe the person who i miss so dearly is the same that said and done those things. it simply boggles my mind. that's why for a long time i was so mad. why would she to this to us WHY. how DARE she. now i just learned to live with the ghost of memories and good times (that stupid new york polaroid still in my wallet although i never look at it) and the satisfection of at least having my theory confirmed--that absolutely everything is ephemeral (except the moon, of course). that is a topic for another post entirely.


also this has had me thinking that maybe i didn't know her that well all long. i used to think of or friendship as a permanent "brutal honesty" game. i guess i was the only playing.


and in case i do have this all wrong you're actually reading this johanna. i am still waiting for that godamned letter. and god knows i might be dumb enough to forgive you. although today is not the day.


maybe someday.