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23
Mai18

2018-05-23 3:22am

by M

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14
Mai18

facts:

by M

  • i'm so done being mad a taylor swift, reputation might be shit but it doesn't invalidate all of the beautiful jams she's done before

  • there is NO (not one) bad mood a taylor swift song can't cure, fight me 

  • i know every lyric to every song in every album up to 1989 and it is home

16
Abr18

2018-04-12

by M

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this is the story about my first time being spontaneous. it traces back to december, when i found out harry styles launched new dates for london concerts—i begged and begged katya and vendy and michelle to come, but time went on, the tickets sold out and no one was too keen anyway.

 

fastforward to last week, i'm watching concert videos on youtube because i have no life, i google harry styles london tickets, i find a ticket on a great seat at a great price, i tried to talk myself out of it and then it hits me. i do everything by myself these days. all of it. i am my own company 99% of the time, for better or for worse. so why not? what's stopping me? it's just another thing you're doing alone, out of the dozens you do every week. except it's actually for fun. if you take yourself to the supermarket, to work, to strolls through the city, then go to the damn concert!!!! sway along on your on tempo!!!! share the feels with yourself!!!!! she'll love it i promise. you'll love it, you'll have an infinitely better time than if you stay at home drowning in a puddle of self pitty because your friends ditched. fuck it. fuck them. let them be the ones at home seeing you have a Grand™️ time.

 

i'm crazy in love with this idea of taking yourself out on dates. it's so empowering. like whoah look at you treating yourself the way you want and expect other people to tell you. look at you putting up with your brain other than to tell it to shut the fuck up. look at you actually doing nice things for yourself. pat on the back you survived, you had an amazing night, you went and saw harry fucking styles live!

 

and as for the concert—i could marry this man's voice any day of any week of any month. i think if i was blind and a little deluded i might even actually be into him. but since that's not the case, let's just say it had an amazing time listening to him sing beautiful songs in his beautiful lowkey sexy voice, singing and dancing along, soaking up on the beautiful otherworldly vibe that concerts give off. music is so important yall. i hope everyone gets the chance to see their favourite artists perform live. it's so humbling and heart warming. i really had a great time. i'm so proud of myself. i'd do it all again if i could.

 

can you tell i've been spending too much time shitposting on tumblr can u can u

09
Abr18

2018-04-08

by M

i feel so alive

tags:

05
Abr18

2018-04-05

by M

Not gonna lie, I was a bit sad about leaving sunny, springy Lisbon yesterday as I walked around the city in a tshirt and a light jacket, with my sunglasses on. But I should've learned by now that London never ceases to surprise me so I woke up today to one of the most beautiful days so far. The room was lit up by the light seeping through the curtains, reflecting rainbows on the walls. I opened the window without turning on the radiator and the birds were chirping outside. So I knew today was gonna be good day.

 

I tidied up the room, put on clean bedsheets, got dressed and went to a meeting at uni. For the first time in months, the garden was green and vibrant and the sky perfectly blue above it. No rain, no wind, no clouds, no snow. I walked to the big supermarket with a Spring playlist on and even though the bags were digging into my shoulders, it wasn't half bad at all. I had lunch, then cleaned the toilet and still had time to finish a watercolour with my room all bright and sunny and the window open.

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I decided to take myself on a date. We (me and myself) were going to an exhibition but when I got there the queue went all around the block and I was too impatient so I didn't wanna stay. I was sad about it, because I'd been looking forward to this for a week. But maybe it was for the better because I realised I'd never been in that part of town and it was so beautiful, the buildings shining in the sunlight so bright, the birds kept singing, the views of the park. So I kept walking, and stumbled on Somerset House which I'd never been there and no one had told me how beautiful the courtyard is, with the massive buildings and the fountains. Then I ended up at Southbank Centre in a photography exhibition by Gursky, it was insane. Forget about the Picasso, I want one of his photos on my wall. Also there was a cute guy walking around and I would be lying if I said that didn't contribute to my crazy good mood because it did. 

 

When I got out it was like 7.20 and it was still super bright outside. So I walked along the river for a while. Southbank Centre isn't the prettiest but I love that promenade so much, you can see all of the beautiful buildings overlooking the other side of the river, the skyscrapers in the city, St. Paul's, Tower Bridge, the London Eye. The last time I went there was in December, when Katya and I went to a Christmas market, and it was cool to see how different it looks now. There were so many people having beers and dinner outside, jogging or just walking around. For some reason I really felt like having a mocha and tried to find a Starbucks but they were all far away, so I got one from the museum cafeteria and it was surprisingly 1. cheap 2. so good!!! It had actual melted chocolate in it yum.

 

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London feels like an entirely different city in the Spring. There's always something mystic about classic grey and rainy weather for sure, but this kind of bright sunlight—the city glows. Today was like London put on a dress.

04
Abr18

dear 2018

by M

i'm not sure what you're doing, but please keep doing it

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01
Abr18

from the attic

by M

i was thinking about how i wrote last year that some things don't change, and that lying on the attic floor writing after midnight is one of those few constants i can think of. and here i am again. i shut off the computer and went downstairs to get some food before bed, but i realised i wasn't sleepy so much as jetlagged. so i came back, turned on the dim lights, sat on the floor. it's been a while. if i'm honest i can't remember when was the last time this happened, probably some time in august, september. it feels the same, but not really. i realised i forgot what silence sounds like. it's overwhelming. my thoughts are so loud without the constant buzz of traffic, the sirens, people talking outside. another thing is—even though i've been coming back home every 2 months or so—this is the first time it truly feels like i'm on the other side of things. for a while it felt like i was living in the stretch of time and space between lightening and thunder. but the storm has passed now. the floor is still wet but the clouds have started to clear. when i was doing this last summer (writing in the attic at night) there was a sort of anxiety, or maybe just plain old fear. the kind of fear that moves mountains, but fear nonetheless. a lump in my throat. shaky hands. but not anymore. i haven't felt this peaceful in a very long time. and i don't wanna jinx it but i think this might very well be the happiest i've ever been. it's been a lesson, realising that happiness isn't engulfing or all-encompassing the way sadness or anguish or fear are. when you feel bad feelings, you feel them everywhere. in all things and all ways, sometimes more or less intense, but they're always there prying at you, demanding attention, unavoidable and exhausting. but happiness doesn't ask anything of you. hums, instead of yelling. she's gentle like the first sunny days of spring. you don't realise it's warm until you find yourself taking your jacket off, casually. or when you squint as you step outside and realise you forgot your shades. happiness is second nature, underlying, quiet, ever-present but invisible in its ways, so we forget about it. we fail to recognise it and find ways to undermine it instead. i know i did. took me forever to realise that thing that was going on in my life, after so many months of stress and exhaustion, wasn't wrong and didn't need to be fixed. it was just contentment. ease. that's when i found happiness again. in the little things of course. in tube rides and cute outfits. watercolours before bed. books and films galore. late night conversations with friends. dancing in my bedroom alone. going for walks before work. posters on the wall. extra large coffees. winter sunrays. but also, i learnt to find happiness in the bigger picture too. sometimes that's trickier, i think. you need to take a step back and let yourself believe that that pros outweigh the cons. took me a while to figure that out, and i'm still unsure—only time will tell. but when i think about my life now, i like it at a lot. i don't feel torn anymore, i don't think. it's life-in-the-making sure, but i've settled and i'm back to living each day as it comes. no buts no ifs. definitely no more looking back. i'm looking ahead now. only ahead.

 

12
Mar18

2018-03-12

by M

tell me, don't you sometimes feel the urge to just write a book. sitting here with an iced coffee, watching the rain fall outside, the faint murmur of the drops on the window, small talk and mugs clacking while i write — it feels like coming home. i could do this for the rest of my life.

05
Mar18

1st day of the year

by M

i can't believe it's march 5th, it feels like the year has barely even started. the past two months were like a looooong saturday evening watching films and press conferences and absentmindedly reblogging on tumblr. but at the same time they were a long wild fandom free fall, where you're silent at first, then screaming for your life and finally laughing trying to catch your breath the rest of the time. yesterday were the oscars, me and mags stayed up watching together — as together as possible, when there's 10000 miles between us, but no one else was awake, we bought snacks and facetimed, i literally watched the cerimony through her tv when my livestream crashed, and so it felt like we were together. and now we've landed, we found the bottom of this rabbit hole and to my surprise i didn't crash down (not yet anyway). it was more like jumping off of a swingset. you slow down just a little bit, then hop and when your feet land, your legs tremble a little and there's a smile on your face.

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i'm not sure why this has meant so much to me. maybe i had just forgotten the kind of inexplicable joy of feeling like you are part of something. maybe i had just forgotten how much i love books and films so much. how happy they make me, how beautiful the connection you make with someone else's fantasies is. how fascinating this whole process is. i'm not sure why this film, or these films, or these people, but i'm glad it happened. this was not what i had planned for 2018, let alone for its first couple of months — i sure hope this was not peaking, just setting the tone. 

 

this may sound dramatic, but i think the past couple of months changed my life. thank you god and the universe for that. thank you world for allowing these things to be created. thank you andré aciman for one of the most beautiful books i've ever read, thank you luca guadagnino for bringing it to life so perfectly, thank you greta gerwig for being the exact kind of role model i needed right now, thank you timothée chalamet for giving me the privilege of witnessing a star come to life. maybe one day i'll get the chance to thank these people personally, who knows. a girl can dream. it's the very least i can do.

 

now back to real life. but it's okay. i'm a different person now, even if just by a little bit. and i'm more content than i have been for a while. 

21
Fev18

2018-02-17

by M

i promised a coherent post and i swear i tried but there's nothing coherent about this whole situation there's nothing coherent about me diving headfirst into a fandom rabbit hole nothing coherent about celebrity crushes at 19 nothing coherent about how much i love this film and this book nothing coherent about how it has consumed my entire life to the point it's the first thing i think of in the morning and the last before sleep nothing coherent about the late night rambles with mags nothing coherent about how much it fulfills me nothing coherent about standing by a hotel entrance during lunch break just to see a kid in a yellow jacket smile and hear him talk and experience is softness™️ live nothing coherent about his perfectly coherent face

 

but mainly there is absolutely nothing coherent about how this is my life now nothing coherent about strolling through green park in a sunny saturday morning with an iced coffee nothing coherent about windowshopping in mayfair hoping i may one day afford it nothing coherent about talking on the phone with rachel for an hour after all these years and this far apart nothing coherent about fandoms in general but definitely nothing coherent about fandoms in london and nothing coherent about the prospect that i might be really a part of that world at some point

 

so nothing is coherent in my life at the moment and i've been trying to make sense of it for ages but every time i think i might be getting it right something batshit crazy happens so dont expect me to be coherent because i have quit coherence at this point i'm just trying to make the most of this chaos breathing it in living off of it and reminding myself how grateful and priviledged i am for these experiences and these opportunities i feel truly non-sarcastically #blessed