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I failed you and I'm so sorry. Now it's time to move on.


me right now

by M

got back today after two weeks away and realized the thing I missed the most about home wasn't my bedroom or my pillow but my kitchen and the way it has become mine over the months and how it smelled of sunsets spent cooking up veggie goodness with music blaring and dancing my way to the fridge.

I wish I could properly excuse this absense with maybe some tropical adventure or a tornado cutting down internet connection, but really I've been just floating my way through summer break as swiftly as possible and words haven't really been interested in joining.

After classes finished, I turned the office into my personal habitat and emerged in piles of books and 3 years worth of notes and battled my way through finals. I don't do studying very well, but 700 years worth of History and 8 mandatory readings to throughly revise were a whole new level. The grades, however, didn't give away the struggle and the boredom of those few weeks locked away - I did pretty well (this might be an understatement). I don't see myself as someone who casually does "pretty well" in finals, but I did. I also filled my college application, with a final grade of 19/20 which I also never foreseen. It was probably the bitterest moment of summer break so far. 

I've been trying to be excited about uni. I've been wondering about waking up in Lisbon and making new friends, starting a new life on my own terms and embarking on the so called "college life". Mostly, I've been repeating to myself that whatever happens happens. Trust the universe, I say. I want to believe things will work out the way they are meant to, I'm trying to accept life doesn't always go as we planned, let alone at 17. But in the back of my mind I can't let go of the  plans I'd made for my gap year. I still think about the people who'll go to Costa Rica even if I don't and how I'll never get to know them. I can't deal with thought of a younger me absolutely broken by the fact that now-me is letting this go without a fight, settling for life instead of fighting for my dreams like I used to brag about.  I see such plans beginning to crack and shatter, piece by piece, and I can't forgive myself for not standing up for them, even if the right thing to is to go to college. 

The thing is - the future is now. Now is the time I hold on to my dreams and the things I have planned for myself and I start shaping the person I truly want to be. I just didn't know it'd be as dauting as settling down for the comfort of meeting other's expectations. 



by M

It's late and I'm home alone. The windows are open and I'm not wearing pants. Outside I hear summer noises and the smell of still nights oozes in, bringing mosquitoes with it. I went out for lunch with Q and although it was nothing special, we got to sit outside wearing t-shirts and sandals under the sun. When I got home I showered the stickiness away and managed to finish my studying goal for the day. I promised no youtube videos, so I decided to read a bit before playing Sims; it's been at least 3 hours--maybe more, I lost count. I just sat on the flour in my bedroom, back against the window, the sun burning through my t-shirt, and read until I too hungry to ignore it. I love it when I'm able to ignore hunger and push through it, because that's always when I'm enjoying myself and life the most. So when it got late and my stomach growled I went down to reheat leftovers and brought them up to the attick. I don't like dining in the kitchen by myself anymore, it feels inadequate. I came all the way up with my plates and the book and opened the roof windows wide. There was a tiny spider and I ignored it in hopes it would ignore me too. Then I just sat on the floor eating with one hand and turning pages with the other; picking bits with my hands that fell to my bare legs. When I was finished I crawled to couch and lied here for I don't know how long, eventually I just turned on the light realizing the sun had gone down.

Nobody is home yet. I just went downstairs to put the dishes in washer and eat some fruitsalad straight from the bowl. I brought a piece of chocolate upstairs and decided to write down this evening before continue my readings. Before the feeling had vanished.


prom 2016

by M


We've been talking, discussing, speculating prom since january. It was like this big mark at the end of the tunel school year, something we were unsure would happen. It feels like just yesterday I was 80% decided I wouldn't go and now it's over.


The prepping started last week, with our girly trip to the hairdressers. On monday I picked up my dress from the seamstress. On wednesday I did my nails. Yesterday I got out portuguese class earlier to do my eyebrows, crammed a quick shower before lunch and left the house at 3. Emma and I went to do our makeup, which was followed by the tingly panick that we might look like clowns and omg is this too much i don't recognize myself in the mirror. Then we spent 2 hours at the hairdressers, which got super late, only building up the nerves and anxiety. When I got home, I tried my best to stay calm... I helped mom pick her outfit, had a snack, prepared my purse and the cameras and put on the dress. Despite my best attempts to not stress, I ended up poking new holes on the buckles of my shoes with a clipboard pin fifteen minutes after the arriving time. Then, about twenty minutes of photoshooting at home and that was when I started getting that feeling I had back in january that I simply don't fit in prom. This makeup is too heavy, this purse is too girly, I don't like long dresses.

When we parked the car outside the venue, my stomach was crunched and I was a bit what the fucked by the whole situation, but when I laid eyes on my friends all dressed up and gorgeous it all vanished. It was fine. And I think perhaps that was weirdest thing: seeing our casual friends, people we see everyday, I went to school on a tracksuit yesterday, everyone dressed like adults. But not like kids disguised as adults, actually us looking like adults. Like ties and beards and high heels and makeup. And everyone looked great and glowed. So at first of course everything is a bit awkward, but the guys did a great job of telling us you look beautiful tonight ladies and eventually we felt that warm comfort of casually us again. 


It's probably relevant to mention that we've been rehearsing prom for three weeks. My school takes prom to a whole new official level. We had to learn our entrances, our poses, our timings, our positionings and--most importantly--the freaking valse. But yesterday they still managed to fit in a couple surprises for us. First 4 "couples" (pairs?) had to go cut the dessert cake, which we knew about, but they added fire spark jet thingies and champagne. Then they proceeded to call us one by one to give us a senior high attendancy certificate and we had to call other people that were meaningful to us during high school. And lastly my head teacher prepared a slideshow with pictures of us since we were little. 


Another remarkable thing is that I didn't fall off my heels all night?? And didn't trip through the valse. But the first thing I did afterwards was taking off my shoes. I spent the whole night dancing nonstop with the most random improbable people bare feet with my dress dragging through the floor. And at 4am when we had to leave, only few of us were left but honestly it was the ones who mattered. We were sweaty, hair messy, makeup smugged, ties undone but we danced til the very last minute and then gathered to take a picture together, which was cute. And it's not like we were tipsy or anything--everyone was as sober as it gets, just genuinely happy carefree joyful proud. I can't find enough adjectives to explain the vibe in that room and especially in ourselves last night, it was like everything was exactly where it was supposed to be and as we all danced in the dimmed lights, looking each others in the eyes I swear we were infinite.


Situations like this always get me thinking about how drastically different my high school years could've been had I not gone back to that school in the middle of freshman year. A lot of the times I know I don't exactly blend in that crowd and I certainly didn't make any lifelong friendships in that classroom. But yesterday it felt so right, like there was absolutely no other way things could've turned out because that's where I belong at the end of day, with those people who might not be my bestfriends but who certainly are my friends somehow and people with whom I've grown to feel so comfortable and at home with. I was filled with that overwhelming yet exciting feeling that the universe knows e x a c t l y what it's doing. Back in freshman year the universe pushed me towards that place and those people and for awhile I couldn't explain why, but moments like this and especially especially especially prom yesterday just make sense.


At the same time it was a closure kind of celebration as well. It was the raw realization that we are indeed graduates, we are indeed basically out of the school system and the future is now. Poking at our eyes, slapping us in the face. None of this will be our reality in a few months time and if that's not scary, I don't know what scary is. Another shitty thing is the fact that with all the communist bullshit maneuvering the government in the sidelines our school might not even freaking exist next year or at least in the near future. I woke up with that bittersweet feeling of oh man last night was epic but also a knot on my throat and a taste of nostalgia because it's over. 


I wonder what this week will feel like. This last week, that is.



by M

Today was the weirdest. I left home before 8am with mom and drove all the way down to lisbon. I ate watermelon with a spoon for breakfast in the car and also some bread. We got to the hospital perfectly on time and even managed to squeeze in a last minute appointment. Three hours after getting there, I hopped on a train back home. I love trains?? I love how the views outside the window change in a matter of seconds, so violently and wild. I didn't even had a book or tv series, I just watched the wilderness go from spacious and yellowish to narrow and bright green for like an hour.

I ended up having lunch by myself at the mall, which is something I'm starting to be okay with. It's okay that my plans are "just me" most of the times; it's better than no plans at all. And I really wanted soup and salad for some reason, so I went ahead and lunched alone and it was yum so that's what matters. I left in a rush though, cause I had to walk to the hairdressers where ema and carolina were waiting. We tried our prom hairstyles and I cut my hair. Like real short!! Just now that I was getting used to feeling it touch my back and shoulders... pro-tip: that's when you know you should cut your hair, any later than that and you'll be forever trapped in a long-haired misery. Anyway. It was our little pampering afternoon and it felt great. Ema's hairstyle looked fab!! It is really starting to feel like prom is an actual thing that is actually happening, rather than some paranoia in our heads. Idk how to feel about that. 

Then I came home for like fifteen minutes and went back to the dentist which was uneventful as per usual, but at least I didn't have to wait for too long. I also bought some bananas after. I love bananas??? That's so weird, cause I used to desipize and overlook them as a fruit.. Now I can't get enough and I ate the last one this morning so I had to pick more up, because I wouldn't go through 1,5 days without ma bananananana. LoLZ this post is all over the place.

Moving on. I came home and only when I was pressing play on Sims4 did I realize I actually have history finals..... but it was too late, obviously. Nobody shuts down the sims after it taking hours since you click start til you actually being able to play it. Especially not to go study history. After like 2 days in my sims lives (that's around 48minutes) I had to go make dinner and the freaking potatoes took forEVER to cook!!! A girl takes a shower in 5 minutes, doesn't even esfoliate her legs, dresses the pjs half way out the door (i only have one sock on) and then has to wait another 20minutes for the smallest potatoes to finish baking. ugh.

Yeah, that was pretty much today. Except I studied 30mins of history after dinner, but I kinda suck studying at night because that's when I get the most creative. It's like the perfect time to do anything but studying.

Okay bye.



by M

You attempt to resume real life, but it feels a bit weird, a bit unfitting, kinda like wearing freshly washed jeans--stiff and uncomfortable, only time and use will bring it to normality again. But in reality it's not just the missing... It's not just that you were on vacation and the weather was better and you had a good time and now you have to go back to the dullness of every day life. You left home ten days ago, you crossed land and ocean and saw things you'd never seen, and ate foods you'd never eaten, and met people you'd never known, and said things you'd never said and now you're here again and your bed is still carved into the shape of your body and the room is perfectly dark and quiet, but you find yourself missing that stupid bunk and the light seeping throught the blinds too early and the faint sounds of the city late at night. In the morning you have your favorite breakfast but you're sighing at the thought of the shitty packaged bread with pb&j and chips a'hoy. You're waiting to cross the street and you click the button a million times but it doesn't say "wait". The rain tickles the windows outside and although it's still cozy and comforting, it seems misplaced now.


And when you stop to think about, you're not the person that you were before you went. It's like every little new experience has been absorbed into your soul and now it's a bit wider and that's why it feels like you've outgrown your real life even if just a little. The trick is not to find your way back to fit in it again, but incorporating all the newness into it, shaping it into this bigger you, making your own universe more diverse and potentially more accepting.


So you carry on and although it might feel like the weight of the things you've done and experienced is too heavy to fit in this stupid small town, you do it anyway. Mainly because you have to, partially because you're just waiting for the next chance to hop on a plane and go see the world.



by M

I've been let down. We all have, but I mean as of recently. And I caught myself thinking about this whole "disappointment" thing.


A couple a years ago I had this one friend - my best friend - who was the person that knew me, understood me, listened to me the most. We grew up together and I got to a point in which I could not fathom life without her. Like an anchor. But I was aware that by being the person closest to me, she was the one who had the power to hurt and break me the most and I believed it was worth the risk (I still do). When it happened though, it took me a long, long, long time to accept it... I knew it would happen, I knew it was happening, but I just couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that the person I trusted the most... was no longer there. We'd fallen apart. So I guess you can say I was kind of expecting. I knew it would be bad, but I never really thought it would happen, because I couldn't understand how. How does someone go from being one of the most important beings in your life to being someone you don't even recognize? The question remains unanswered.


After what happened between Rachel (that's her) and me, I've been struggling a lot to get close to people. It's second nature. I'm at a point in my life in which I feel like nothing lasts forever, everything is, well, ephemeral. I've grown to understand, accept and embrace it, and in that maybe I'll find my way into something that isn't. I don't know. However, since what happened I see deadlines on everything, mostly on people and especially on me. I feel like it'll only be a matter of time until people find out I'm not who they think I was or get tired or just don't see the point in our friendship anymore. And that's keeping me from letting people in. As it seems like everyone around me is making friends again, finding their place in the crowds and building strong relationships with people they bond with, I feel like I'm each and each time falling apart, struggling to keep up with the few old steady friendships that remain and trying hard not to fuck things up. But now I've been let down again, by the one person I thought I'd never lose. By the only non-ephemeral one, or so I thought.


Isn't this all a vicious cycle? I was wondering why we're only let down by people who mean the most and are closest to us. So here's the tricky thing: aren't we putting ourselves in the place to be let down? We know letting people in comes at a price - and yes, that includes the eventual miscommunication and a bit of disappointment. So aren't we the ones putting unecessary pressure into our relationships? Someone screws us up, we all do it - to what extent is that person's fault that they've hurt us, if we're the ones telling ourselves they probably won't in the first place? After all, we're entitled to make mistakes. But then again, that might ruin the whole purpose of a friendship in the first place, which is to know we can count on that someone. Being friends is the actual, but pleasant, weight of not failing one another - not because their counting on us, but because we'll do it wholeheartedly. If I'll do something (anything?) for my friends, am I not in the right to expect something back?


Is it selfish? Or am I just fooling myself?