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03
Dez18

+ 2am thoughts

by M

it just occurred to me the year is almost over and i don’t want it to. i want to stay in 2018 forever. 

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29
Nov18

2018-11-28

by M

sleepless nights feel the same no matter where 

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28
Out18

thank you, october

by M

There are times when life happens so quickly there's simply no time to sit down and write about them. I’ve been trying to not be too hard on myself for not writing about certain things by making sure they’ve been well documented in other mediums. But now that october is coming to an end I think I need to really reflect on the past few weeks because there is no way I can let this month go unnoticed.

 

On the 1st Michelle and I picked up the keys to our flat and then went for pizza and spent the night at my uncle’s. Uni started the following day and we came back, packed our stuff and after the sun had set we moved in to our new home, with nothing but a suitcase and a bottle of champagne. We order sushi and drank our champagne and took ridiculous selfies and we couldn't stop laughing, we weren't tipsy or anything, just the surrealism of it all was enough to drive us a bit crazy for the evening. The following day Jemma came to “help us unpack” and she talked and talked and talked and Michelle and her clicked so well–it made me so happy. She ended up spending the night, the first guest in our tiny sofa bed with improv pajamas and a random array of sheets. We’ve been here for 3 weeks and I’ve already lost count how many times she’s stayed over at this point.

 

Less than 2 weeks later, Carline flew over and her and Jemma were back at my place for the night. I locked us out (which is always the first impression I strive for, ofc) so we just sat in the dark in the corridor waiting for my landlord to come and open the door for us. We just chatted as though we had been hanging out together for ages which in a sense we have. Then we made mac and cheese and waited not so patiently for the morning to come. Jemma woke me up at 5 and by 6:30 the 3 of us were out the door, with a bag full of snacks, piles of books and a pair of socks, ready to face what would be one of the longest day of the year. We got off at Piccadilly with the sunrising above the buildings, streaks of pink in the sky. And then we waited, we sat there in the middle of Leicester Square and let the hours pass us by and the city wake us up. And as we did, the butterflies in my stomach took flight too. It was 11:30 when security let us off and the 5 of us took off to have lunch. It was such a beautiful day; we walked through Covent Garden all sunshiny and bright and we had food and talked and everyone had a spring in their step. By 3:00, after a lot of waiting and worrying, we found ourselves front row in the pens and so did most of the amazingly lovely people we met that day. It was the most incredible, chill, happy, exciting vibe. Everyone there loved every second of it, I'm sure. And it felt like the past few months all added up to that—even before we saw him, even before anything had happened..so much had happened already that led to that moment, just being there, with those specific people, it felt like it really was just the cherry on top. And then he arrived and brought that amazing, contagious energy with him, and he had fun and we had fun and the sun shone just for him, I swear, even the sunbeams got caught up on his eyes and reflected of his curls. He shone and so did all of we, despite the tiredness and the sleepiness, we wouldn't have had it any other way. He makes things so special and he made us all feel special too. Then we watched the film and I cried like a baby and of course was sweapt off my feet by his performance.

 

When I wrote about meeting Timmy back in February I didn't dream I’d be doing it again just a mere 8 months later. Although a lot of things have changed (and some changed nothing at all) since then, I’m still struggling to find the right words to write about this experience or to write about him altogether. I keep saying that when of all the things I expected 2018 to bring me, a fandom was way down low on the list; yet I cant even fathom my life had not let myself fall (or rather dive headfirst) into it. So many things happened because of this, and so much of it has changed me for the better. Many of the people close to me right now and especially in London I met through CMBYN/Timmy and I'm so proud of that, because these are friendships I made solely by myself, by getting out of my comfort zone in this crazy city that so often feels ruthless but that's so blatantly generous too.

 

After LFF, Carline stayed for a few days and we had the cutest time getting brunch and high tea and matching piercings and more pasta and sleepovers. Then they left and in a blink of an eye the whole thing was over. But October had no time to lose, so before I knew it I was picking Mags up at the station. We did touristy things and less touristy things, ate a lot of delicious food as we always do, played dumb games and had chill nights. But most of all, we went to see the Musical Bae, Tom Odell live. Man, I love him so much. It was so different from any other concert because I knew exactly what to expect and somehow it still managed to be better. I think in a way it felt like coming home, listening to these songs that have seen me grow up and have turned into the soundtrack of my teenage years. He said “London is the greatest city in the world” and then called it his adopted home and I Felt that. I knew exactly what he meant, I knew exactly what he was feeling because I was feeling it too.

 

And of course it comes down to that, it always does. It's been a year and it still feels absolutely surreal that I live here. But yesterday I was thinking of missing home and it hit me that home doesn't feel any more home than London does. They're different homes with different meanings, but the feeling is the same. October really helped consolidate that because with all these people coming and going and staying over it felt like I was home. Navigating the tube by heart, taking my friends to secret spots, making plans in central—all the while it didn’t feel like the London from films or books or dumb BuzzFeed quizzes. First and foremost it felt like my city, my habitat. I lost count of the times I stopped for a split second in the crazy whirlwind of a month, looked around and thought "this is exactly the life of my dreams.” And I mean exactly. To the T.

 

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one thing i really, really like each time is saying goodbye to my friends in the tube. "ok, i'm going this way." and then we hug and i always say thank you for coming and i mean it. like yesterday, after suspiria, claudia and i hugged twice and it was a proper hug, like a squeezy hug. or when michelle and i go different ways (rarely lol) and we say "see you later" and it's true. or jemma heading back south when i always go north, we hug and say talk to you later knowing that by the time we get to our platforms we'll be texting again.

 

and i always end up thinking about it how the bakerloo line is my means of transport, like this tube line in london is my local public transport, and i ride the train with some music or a book or sometimes nothing at all, and in those moments just being here, existing here, breathing here, living in its most basic sense—it's enough.

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04
Out18

by M

this city is a gift that keeps on giving 

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21
Set18

by M

what else do i need other than nights listening to melodrama in central london

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18
Set18

2018-09-17

by M

a bunch of weird shit happened today:

  • jemma and i met in the tube, as in the same train, same car, came door, as we were coming from totally different parts of town
  • we had lunch at camden market and then chilled in primrose hill
  • it was 25º and super sunny
  • we went for a flat viewing that turned into a bunch of flat viewings that turned into
  • michelle and i getting a place and signing a contract and being able to move in october??????
  • walking around selfridges as though we actually mean it looking for a blazer (don't ask)
  • more food with jemma
  • hanging in a hidden pretty lit courtyard just talking until like 10.30pm

honestly i'm just so confused rn life is way too good and i mean way too good i'm not sure why this is happening or how but these things truly never go over my head i'm so grateful and i feel immensely, unironically blessed

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14
Set18

by M

one thing i learned today was that i actually missed my sociable english-speaking self and totally forgot she even existed

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13
Set18

by M

not to be That Bitch™ or anything but I've got a jumper on and I'm playing my fall playlist and everything just makes better sense now 

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09
Set18

on things left unsaid

by M

i wish i could tell you all about my last month or so in london but the reason why i didn't write about it at the time was because i didn't know how to. i never felt before how i felt then. the sun shining and the days so long and the countless strolls around the city all by myself and with friends, and dinners and lunches out, and going to uni but feeling like going to work, and late nights writing and just existing in this state of pure bliss. i look back on those days and they seem a haze never ending blur of just beaming and feeling like anything is possible, which i guess is very symptomatic of june. that time existed in a different realm.

 

lorde's concert. that can't go un-noted because it was single handedly the best concert of my life and the best part was that i knew as it happened, it wasn't a 'in hindsight' kinda thing, no. right there and there, with the breeze, and the best crowd, and her beautiful voice and music and presence, and her glittery makeup and holographic outfit, i felt it and i think everyone felt it too—one of the best summer nights. we jumped and sang and cried and danced danced danced and i felt so at ease, so at home, like if nothing else we'll have concerts. this sort of concert where everyone is on the same wavelength and we all feel it the same when this or that song comes along because lorde and especially melodrama truly is the anthem of millennialism right now.

 

then came america. toronto all bright and warm and pretty stole my heart—straight to my top favourite cities. i'd never live there and i can't even imagine what it must be like during winter, but just walking those skyscraper-lined streets and big avenues i felt instantly at 'home' whatever tf that means. vegas was the most surreal places i've ever been to and it took a solid 24h (the time we were there pretty much) and some vast wikipedia research for this intj brain to even just begin to grasp....what the fuck is going on there to be honest. but it was an interesting experience and we got to go to grand canyon which was nothing like i expected from films but absolutely breathtaking and mindblowing nonetheless. and we drove through desert and found ourselves in la again. in la again. this sentence also doesn't make a lot of sense to my intj brain. because i get to be in la for a few hours and be like 'oh this city is cool i missed it'. we went to disneyland as per my request which was kinda weird because i don't ever make requests and suddenly i'd dragged 7 other grown ass humans to freaking disneyland. but it was amazing and magical and fantastic and so much fun and i totally bought an overly expensive stich jacket and it's my new favourite thing. northern california was such an amazing surprise, it feels nothing like any other place i've been to america. i loved the vibes but maybe that's only because everyone is rich af and we all know i have some seriously bougie tendencies. napa valley was beautiful and oddly familiar. carmel was the kind of place you see in films, but good ones. san fran.......i'm not sure?? i see what they mean it's like an american(ised) version of lisbon, it's totally there. but i expected it to be more like la in the sense that it's still very much a big busy city but like...in a weird way? this makes no sense because honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about san fran other than confused.

 

we spent some time at the beach and because it wasn't very long i think i really made the most of it. it was very chill and quiet and honestly very much needed. then we headed to gramps' for a while and dumbly enough it was one of the highlights of the summer. i think it was only then (and there?) i felt truly at home, back at home. i lunged in the sun and wrote in the evenings and felt carefree and young and dumb. we went out a few times and tbh it was pretty wild and so much fun. watching the sunrise by the beach and those quiet walks down the driveway when no one speaks because silence is precious. and on constança's birthday we sat outside under the stars and talked for hours and it wasn't even deep our anything we were just telling stories in hushed voices but it felt like time had stopped for a while just to let us talk for a bit longer. and then mags and i had a major Feels™ attack but like irl!!! fucking finally!!! we deserved it goddamn. it was so so so hilarious and completely unapolagetically out of control. when i turned off the light that night i thought 'this was the best evening of the summer.' it still stands.

 

i spent some time at home going to the barn mostly and it felt like therapy. it was therapy, it's always been but even more so now. then michelle came and i played host for 10 days which was challenging but good fun and i think it was good to have her around right before i leave too because it's was sort of a transitional period between home-me and london-me.

 

today i said my last goodbyes, it wasn't sad so much as bittersweet but at least i know what i'm coming back (to london) to and honestly i can't wait. i miss it so much. i feel bad about how excited i am to go back. just doing what needs to be done i guess. and right now i need to be there. honestly it's not that deep. or rather i can't let it be.

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