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  • did some reading on the college green with jane. the sun 🌞 was setting and casting a lazy light 🌇 on the man building and in ourselves. it was so very quiet apart from the trees rustling 🍃 in the background. i finished my reading 📖  and just lied on the grass 🌱🌾 soaking up the last bits of day light.

  • on another less poetic note, my ikea orders fINALLY came in! it felt like christmas 🎄, i swear. it was a big ass box 📦 and when i got to my block will was standing outside waiting for a friend and offered to carry it for me upstairs 🙌🏼👌🏼. when i got to my room i put on some music 🎶 like the neighbourhood, my chem and muse (!!! it's been YEARS 👵🏼).

  • i'm probably way too hyped up for a sunday evening 🤔.

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13
Out17

2017-10-13

by M

some days you live The Student Life™ some days you are practically a housewife. today I

  • did my laundry
  • cleaned the toilet
  • went to the bank
  • made a complaint
  • had lunch with the girl squad
  • made soup

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20
Fev17

by M

Moving to London might be the no. 1 goal on my 2017 list and while my mind is often planning and daydreaming (and even worrying a little), I have been trying my hardest to appreciate the privilege of studying and living in Lisbon as best as I can. It helps that the weather has been LAesque and my dear sistemics teacher has decided to miss class twice. But nothing can compare to mornings spent in Starbucks, sunsets by the river or afternoon's like today's - in which we left uni at 2pm to go buy (veggie) hot dogs and ate them at the park, no coats, just sunshades and the grass and there we stayed for 2h. When we left the shadow still hadn't reached our spot and the breeze was not enough to puts us off, so I walked home and 7 minutes later here I was.

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Thinking about rainy days and cheap coffee and handkerchief-sized dorm rooms is a bit uninspiring right now, but that's why I know it'll be worth it. Because when it's so easy to stay, so legitimate, so appealing in a sense, I still want to go. I still want so very much to go, even though it's hard and dautning and even a little sad. If I'm willing to give up this city and these friendships which are only now starting to bloom, to start over in an unfamiliar darker city, then I must really want to do it. And none of these ever hinders my excitement.

And a lot of people tell me that I won't come back, that I'll be sorta trapped in a country less welcoming but more open -- to opportunity, to education, to success even. I can't know right now if this is true and to be honest I don't even dare pondering on it; when tomorrow's uncertain as it is, I can't bring myself to think much further. But if that's the case, at least I'll have Lisbon to call home -- that alone is a blessing.

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19
Nov16

by M

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26
Out16

feeling of the week

by M

uni isn't half as stimulating as i tHOughPed it would be

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It sure might be too early to speak, but I think what it comes down to in these two weeks of uni is the fact that today I spent over an hour discussing the refugee crisis, the whole trump situation, the holocaust and pretty much anything in between, sharing points of view, opions, theories even, with 3 people I know barely anything about. That and the fact that the one person I happened to "connect" the most with doesn't eat meat and we spent our lunch today eating veggies and talking about animals and cognitive dissonance and the videos and pictures we'd seen. I think this brings me an immense sense of belonging after being trapped in an environment that didn't quite repell me but surely didn't welcome me either for so long. It's a feeling I feared would never come.

 

And whilst the whole failed Gap Year situation is still lingering over me (and it will for a long time, I know for sure), I know god writes straight with crooked lines. I can't know for sure (and I can't settle for) that this was for the best, but at least the universe is trying to compensate things by making this experience not quite as daunting and scary as I thought it would be.

 

In the meanwhile, my application to London is officially in progress which brings all the more instability and overwhelmingness into the picture. At least I feel a bit at ease again with the thought that whatever happens happens and the universe will take charge and bring things back into place.

 

I can't hope but I can't give up, I have to trust that the outcome of this whole situation will be the best, because after all it can never be any other way.

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12
Set16

first day of uni

by M

fainted on the queue. off to a good start.

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I wish I could properly excuse this absense with maybe some tropical adventure or a tornado cutting down internet connection, but really I've been just floating my way through summer break as swiftly as possible and words haven't really been interested in joining.

After classes finished, I turned the office into my personal habitat and emerged in piles of books and 3 years worth of notes and battled my way through finals. I don't do studying very well, but 700 years worth of History and 8 mandatory readings to throughly revise were a whole new level. The grades, however, didn't give away the struggle and the boredom of those few weeks locked away - I did pretty well (this might be an understatement). I don't see myself as someone who casually does "pretty well" in finals, but I did. I also filled my college application, with a final grade of 19/20 which I also never foreseen. It was probably the bitterest moment of summer break so far. 

I've been trying to be excited about uni. I've been wondering about waking up in Lisbon and making new friends, starting a new life on my own terms and embarking on the so called "college life". Mostly, I've been repeating to myself that whatever happens happens. Trust the universe, I say. I want to believe things will work out the way they are meant to, I'm trying to accept life doesn't always go as we planned, let alone at 17. But in the back of my mind I can't let go of the  plans I'd made for my gap year. I still think about the people who'll go to Costa Rica even if I don't and how I'll never get to know them. I can't deal with thought of a younger me absolutely broken by the fact that now-me is letting this go without a fight, settling for life instead of fighting for my dreams like I used to brag about.  I see such plans beginning to crack and shatter, piece by piece, and I can't forgive myself for not standing up for them, even if the right thing to is to go to college. 

The thing is - the future is now. Now is the time I hold on to my dreams and the things I have planned for myself and I start shaping the person I truly want to be. I just didn't know it'd be as dauting as settling down for the comfort of meeting other's expectations. 

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