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you're here, you made it. i never doubted one second of the way. don't you dare apologise ever again.

 

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13
Jun17

life update

by M

Today I've packed most of my stuff from Lisbon and took the train back home. I didn't bring just clothes and toiletries, but more permanent stuff like my stuffed horse, cameras and purses. Classes are over and I spent the whole of last week soaking up Lisbon in all of its sunshiny glory, frolicking around town with my friends. We went south for the weekend I couldn't believe just how much I missed the beach. Sure I was at the beach in April in Malaysia, but it's different here. It's our beaches somehow, and the routines we've grown around it as family. The way we position ourselves in the sand almost always the same, how I end up crawling to the shade eventually while dad fries up in the sun for hours on end, mom's swims and how my sister always wants to stay a little bit longer.

 

And just like that, it seems, summer is upon us. My hair has grown into braids and for the first time in a long time I can't remember the last time I cut it. I finished this first year of uni, which was also the last. This last few weeks were just a hazy stretch of time, waiting for motivation that never came while cramming a semester's worth of workload into endless days, too many papers and little hours of sleep. It was not half as stressful as the first semester, mostly because I didn't let it be. Because I kept my focus on passing instead of succeeding for once. It didn't feel completely right, to be honest, but it was worth it. I skept uni to go to London and it really ignited a new kind of spark. Maybe the premise of a new chapter, or holding your breath when your about to leap into the pool.

 

Now I'm back home and today it really feels like it. How the sunset poured into the kitchen at dinner time, and just sitting here in the dimly lit attic, with the steady tic-toc of the clock while watching series and writing, at last.

 

I can't keep myself from wondering where the hell did time go. But I've been trying not to give much thought into it, especially considering what it means to have gotten here. June, that is. In 3 months I'll be living oceans away from home.

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25
Mar17

metaphors

by M

you know that feeling when you're about to jump into the pool because the water is just a bit too cold for you to walk in through the stairs and so you just stand there, at the edge of the pool, you countdown a million times but you just can't bring yourself to leap and it's like your stomach turns into a balloon each time you say 3

that's what life feels like right now.

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20
Fev17

by M

Moving to London might be the no. 1 goal on my 2017 list and while my mind is often planning and daydreaming (and even worrying a little), I have been trying my hardest to appreciate the privilege of studying and living in Lisbon as best as I can. It helps that the weather has been LAesque and my dear sistemics teacher has decided to miss class twice. But nothing can compare to mornings spent in Starbucks, sunsets by the river or afternoon's like today's - in which we left uni at 2pm to go buy (veggie) hot dogs and ate them at the park, no coats, just sunshades and the grass and there we stayed for 2h. When we left the shadow still hadn't reached our spot and the breeze was not enough to puts us off, so I walked home and 7 minutes later here I was.

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Thinking about rainy days and cheap coffee and handkerchief-sized dorm rooms is a bit uninspiring right now, but that's why I know it'll be worth it. Because when it's so easy to stay, so legitimate, so appealing in a sense, I still want to go. I still want so very much to go, even though it's hard and dautning and even a little sad. If I'm willing to give up this city and these friendships which are only now starting to bloom, to start over in an unfamiliar darker city, then I must really want to do it. And none of these ever hinders my excitement.

And a lot of people tell me that I won't come back, that I'll be sorta trapped in a country less welcoming but more open -- to opportunity, to education, to success even. I can't know right now if this is true and to be honest I don't even dare pondering on it; when tomorrow's uncertain as it is, I can't bring myself to think much further. But if that's the case, at least I'll have Lisbon to call home -- that alone is a blessing.

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22
Jan17

spoke too soon

by M

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21
Jan17

on gratitude

by M

Admitedly, the tag #ramble has been overused as of lately. As this shitty week is finally coming to an end (weekend doesn't really count. hopefully) and because I've managed to post quite a lot but just as shittly I wanted to end it on a different note. 

 

Being at home for over a month doing nothing has given me some headspace and reflection time which I didn't even realize I needed so much. It's been therapeutic and a lil scary (but mostly therapeutic). When silly things like cancelled plans or mistaken schedules go wrong I do get really frustrated. But at the same time I take the opportunity to realize how lucky I am. How lucky that my parents have never stopped me from doing things because I had to study, let alone when I'm 18 and at uni. How lucky that I get to travel to and fro Lisbon as much as I please and somewhat pointlessly. How lucky I am to have a house and my little bedroom in a city like that. How lucky I am that I get to come home to my attic and central heating. How lucky that I get to whine about how shitty a meeting about moviNG TO EFFING LondON was or the fact that I have to pay 11€ to go to a museum in Paris next week.

 

 

How lucky that truly I have known no real struggle in my whole entire life.

 

And while I have somewhat been accused of being a spoiled whining brat in the past, please make no mistake. Because even on my worst days--actually, mostly on those days I am fully and each time more and more aware that I'm in a position of absolute privilege and that the odds are all on my side and perhaps even the stars have aligned for me. And I pray, quite literally, I pray that it stays that way and not for a second do I take it for granted. I do my best not to anyway. That being said I am not sorry for my position. I don't wish it upon myself that I had been born in lesser conditions and I am not ashamed of it. I'm not sorry for embracing this privileged white girl life that has been offered to me with a cherry on top and I will play it to my full advantage for as long as can. And I will try my best to put into others' advantage as well because those two aren't mutually exclusive. The fact that some people are living absolute hell while I get to live like this overwhelms me to the point I have to force myself not to overanalyze it.

 

This is not a bragging post. This is explicitly a post about gratitude. I am in love with this life of mine that I'm only now starting to grasp. But that doesn't take away my right to be sad or mad or frustrated or worried or scared or anxious or anything else really. I am entitled to my own feelings and my own opinions and my own place in this world and this society no matter how biased that may be. 

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turns out i get a free entrance at the musée d'orsay. well. i should complain more often.

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18
Jan17

fuck this week

by M
  • went to lisbon on sunday to start driving lessons on monday // there were no lessons
  • stayed in lisbon to have a london meeting // the meeting was shit and lasted 20mins
  • came home to have sewing class // they cancelled
  • had plans to see q tomorrow // her mom decided no at midnight

fuck this fucking week fuck you week FUCK YOU

update:

  • bought a 13€ Paris Guide because it came with a map // dropped the map in mom's car which is now back in Lisbon and won't come back until saturday

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  • rings and necklaces
  • lots of lush gift cards
  • this tshirt
  • maxi scarves
  • stickers

keep your eyes peeled for updates

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It sure might be too early to speak, but I think what it comes down to in these two weeks of uni is the fact that today I spent over an hour discussing the refugee crisis, the whole trump situation, the holocaust and pretty much anything in between, sharing points of view, opions, theories even, with 3 people I know barely anything about. That and the fact that the one person I happened to "connect" the most with doesn't eat meat and we spent our lunch today eating veggies and talking about animals and cognitive dissonance and the videos and pictures we'd seen. I think this brings me an immense sense of belonging after being trapped in an environment that didn't quite repell me but surely didn't welcome me either for so long. It's a feeling I feared would never come.

 

And whilst the whole failed Gap Year situation is still lingering over me (and it will for a long time, I know for sure), I know god writes straight with crooked lines. I can't know for sure (and I can't settle for) that this was for the best, but at least the universe is trying to compensate things by making this experience not quite as daunting and scary as I thought it would be.

 

In the meanwhile, my application to London is officially in progress which brings all the more instability and overwhelmingness into the picture. At least I feel a bit at ease again with the thought that whatever happens happens and the universe will take charge and bring things back into place.

 

I can't hope but I can't give up, I have to trust that the outcome of this whole situation will be the best, because after all it can never be any other way.

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