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I remember being a silly 13 year old sleeping over at my grandparents' when I had a fallout with one of my best friends. My sister and I stayed up talking in the dark, like girls do. I was so frustrated and I remember she told me that nothing last forever. I was so angry then, at the world for being so mean and at her, because deep down I knew she was right. But I refused to settle for that and thought maybe I could one day prove her wrong.


Fast forward a few years later to the beginning of high school. I had lost touch with that friend and on my way to lose touch with some others (not to spoil it for you, that's what happens). Clinging onto friendships that were void and running after people who clearly didn't want to be run after. And then it hit me; one day I woke up and I realized I had conformed after all. I had learn the hard way that, in fact, nothing lasts forever. Especially not people. They come and go from your life like tides, ironically, pulled by the moon. 


By this time I had fully developped a slight obsession with the moon. Other than an inexplicable fascination that had always (and still does) drawn me into it, it was this sense of belief that when everything comes and goes, the moon stays. Even when you can't see it, you know it's there, as cliché as it sounds. And that brought me a new found hope that maybe, one day, I might find something that stayed too, eventually. 


I've spent these past few years making peace with the idea that everything is ephemeral and, furthermore, that that's okay. That the things which come into your life are brought with God's purpose, a lesson to learn, to make you wiser and, often, kinder. And that when the time comes it's okay to let them go and be grateful that they were ever in your life in the first place. But somewhere in the process of letting go I lost the ability to let in. Nobody ever tells you that--they remind you how important what it is to let go, but they don't teach you how to ever let people and opportunity in again. How to welcome it with a smile and say I'm happy you're here now, no matter how long you stay. So I closed myself up, built myself a shell and kept things out. People especially. 


I have talked about it before, how my life these past few of months feels like the closing of a chapter, a season finale if you will. Hell, this past year since high school ended and even more so now that I am moving away for real. I'm trying my best to not let change and the fear of the unknown petrify me. I'm letting it sweep me off my feet one step of a time and trying to hold on through this ride, take the best from it, learn and grow. And it's been bittersweet, but undoubtedly sweeter than bitter. Something I've been doing is paying attention to all of those little things we take for granted in everyday life but that now, I see, are ephemeral, too, in their own way. Quality time with the family, for instance, staying a little longer at the barn, trying harder not to postpone dinners with friends. I made a list of things that make home home. I wrote about coming back here and my nights up in the attic, lying on the floor, writing. Just like today, like right now. It's 4:00am and it feels like the whole town is asleep a part from myself, tucked away in this little safe haven, a tad bit closer to the sky (to the moon). It's been a time of introspection and retrospection. A whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that have been haunting me for the past months and which I fail to put into words, like they're in a different language somehow. 


Truth is something has felt different for a while now. I feel like the move to Lisbon shook my world just enough to put things into a different perspective. And when they finally settled into place, there was a new order, yet I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Everything changed in my daily life and with that something finally changed within me, too, and suddenly I feel like I figured it out. I was just lying here on the carpet, staring at the ceiling and I had this sudden urge to listen to Mine. I put it on and it was like the sound of pieces falling into place. 


It's that I found that somethings are not ephemeral, after all. That sitting here crying listening to Taylor Swift doesn't feel all that different from what it did back in 2010. That I'm still the same girl with a passion for words and an urge to write them down and dreams that could never be contained within the sum of my parts. That it's been a while but I still feel the same. That, perhaps most surprisingly, some people are gone indeed, but most have stayed. That like Mags said time passes and, sometimes, things just don't change. Things like Speak Now playing in the background or this goddamned attic that's been the stage for my late night mental breakdowns through the years, or the nights talking with my sister in the dark.


And yes, this things will too come to an end, one day. Maybe we'll sell the house. Maybe C and I won't share bedrooms anymore. Maybe I'll grow out of Taylor Swift, although I highly doubt it. Maybe these friends will become acquaintances at some point. But for once, that's okay. Because while they last, no matter how long or how little, they are infinite in their nature. Some kind of energy that cannot be destroyed and therefore cannot end, but only renewed. Recycled in that I will carry a part of all these things and moments and people with me throughout the rest of my life, for they have shaped me and will continue to do so.



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weekend snippets

by M

i have an above-average ability to be myself & i think that weekend really proved it it.


on friday i stayed home until sunset and then went to the supermarket to buy ingredients for soup. then i made soup and watched a film after dinner.


on saturday i had breakfast and lunch at one of my favorite cafés, tartine, and also finished most of my notes for uni. i shopped for awhile before coming back home, just before the city went bananas with the football finals. i made myself a chocolate mugcake and stayed up late watching the eurovision results, making the video and overall falling for amar pelos dois, which i didn't expect to. it never felt lonely because i was texting my sister, whatsapping with Lara and Q and speaking to London people on facebook.


sunday saw a late start and a lot of lazying. i spent too much time on whatsapp gossiping and eventually had to go to leave the house if i wanted to get any work done. i went to fábrica, which is also one of my favorite cafés in town and i knew it doesn't have wifi which helped through 7 pages of the worst text ever. it got so boring i felt compelled to order carrot cake and then walked back home. 


and eventually mariana got home and the weekend was over. here are some snippets:



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by M

you know that feeling when you're about to jump into the pool because the water is just a bit too cold for you to walk in through the stairs and so you just stand there, at the edge of the pool, you countdown a million times but you just can't bring yourself to leap and it's like your stomach turns into a balloon each time you say 3

that's what life feels like right now.

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by M

the current friday night situation is chatting about drugs, politics and religion with a bunch of strangers on a goldsmiths media freshers facebook group.

i swear my life has been reaching all time highs in terms of what the fuckness

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it's been good

by M

After almost 2 months of winter break, uni restarted today. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad at all either. The weather was fine, in fact, fine enough for us to hop on the subway after classes and spend the rest of the afternoon sitting by the river watching the sunset. It did rain a little but we ran to the covered part and it passed. It was funny watching the river stomp against concrete as if it were the sea.


Turns out my grades were actually better than expected. I ended up with an average of 15, which considering I had a 10 is saying something. But I did say my degree wasn't hard, though. Expectations for this semester are real high, with a driver's license on the way, the days growing and growing before our eyes and the sneeky promise of a Spring that may or may not come, so we can spend more afternoons like today's. But mainly, less work and less fussy work. Hopefully.


I finished my sewing course with both a pair of shorts and a top I'll never wear, but at least I did them myself and now I know how to use a sewing machine, so who knows what comes next. Probably a swimsuit if my body anxiety (is that a thing?) doesn't get (too much) in the way. Or maybe my sister will wear it.


I did go to Paris with mom 2 weeks ago and no, I didn't pay to entry the d'Orsay which was nice since it wasn't that cool. On the other hand, the 11€ paid to the Centre Pomopidou were very, very well spent. I ended up staying there for like 2h or so, which anihilated my plans to go to Urban Outfitters - yes, it was that cool. It was freezing but it was perfect - from the hour spent in the best bookshop ever, to the chai lattes on my way to the Seine, breakfast at Angelina's and even supermarket dinners at the hotel. Wandering alone in a city I've been to but don't quite know myself was such a unique experience. I love Paris so much which is so out of character. (Maybe it's just the croissants.) Videos of Paris can be found over on my YouTube channel here, but promise not to cringe too much.


On another note, I still haven't finished that stupid TEFL course which keeps haunting me on and on. Hopefully it'll be done by the end of the goddamned week. I didn't do the Digital Marketing course either, not because I didn't have the time, simply because it was boring and pointless. Not what I expected. Surprisingly, I only watched 1,5 seasons of series during these 2 months. I really don't know what to say about that, I'm quite disappointed myself. BUT: stranger. things. Yes. That's all my friends.


On another note, I did other things that weren't planned. I bought watercolors and... attempted it. Like I mentioned, I made my first donation and pierced my ear. I did 16h of Traffic Code lessons in 1 week. Now I need to get started with the actual driving, which is slightly scarier than expected. Also, I went to the barn a lot, which feels very important right now. Every opportunity counts. And I caught up with Lara quite a bit, to make up for the next few months when we won't see much of each other.


And I slept. Not as much as I once would've, but I guess I really am getting old...

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absence again

by M

To make justice to my first and foremost "new year resolution" (which you can check out here wink wink) I'm sitting down to write. I would like to make a 2016 hindsight post, but this isn't it. Today I just want to catch up on the past month and a half.

Finals season (which was about four weeks) was the most drained, exhausted, unmotivated, stressed out I have ever been in my life. People in other (more "serious") degrees would laugh and roll their eyes, but I've come to terms with that. My degree isn't hard, my finals aren't that difficul either. It's just that I'm not carved for studying, for sitting in a classroom, for this teaching system... and after the excitement of the first few weeks, the dullness of school life came storming back in and reminded me all too well why I was so desperate to take a year out, to go learn things outside of a classroom for once and potentially find the motivation I lack and gain some much needed persistence. But I survived and my grades won't be those I wished for but for once I don't care. I don't care mainly because I want to be in London next year, in a program that's hopefully more creatively challenging, and I can't take my mind off that. I feel like if I lose my focus for just a second, months will pass by and suddenly it'll all be too late, endless nights crying because I've failed myself, shattered dreams and the scary feeling of settling down for something I don't want. I've learnt that lesson the hard way and I won't let it happen again. That's why I know this year will be different and unequivocally better. 


On another note, I think this (last??) year was the most Christmas Spirit I've ever been. I was listening to Christmas playlists on loop, burning spiced candles, decorating to the T, baking ginger cookies and all those shenanigans. It was a way of a escaping the absolute burden of school - I kept telling myself it's almost Christmas as if that almost wasn't a a fuckload of work to do. But it helped counting down the days with a purpose. Also, Christmas was pretty swell. Much like last year's (2015) I felt like it's definitely not about the gifts anymore, which makes me feel kinda old but also kinda proud. I was genuinely surprised with every single gift and I think the feeling that came across was how thoughtful those were, which for me is the main purpose of Christmas. Putting in the effort, taking the time to pick and wrap something for that specific person. I love Christmas and to be fair I'm kinda sad I can't listen to my Christmas jams and burn my Christmas candle and next week the decorations are going to be put down :(


I think (hope?? lol) I managed to pass all my classes and am now enjoying a month and half of vacay at home. This time though I don't want to lazy around in pjs watching series and waking up pornographically up. I really am getting old... So I have some plans - I need to finish my goddamned TEFL Course, I have just applied for a long awaited sewing course (!!!! v excite), I intend to go to Paris with month towards the end of the month, I want to ride twice a week and start doing yoga at home in the morning and maybe do a Digital Marketing Course that's free on google if I have any time left. Also. Sleep. Yes. I really want to sleep. And watch some series ofc. The list is endless. The list is always endless.

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by M

May this year be filled with moments like today's. 

This birthday kicked off half an hour later than predicted leading a late arrival to a morning yoga class, followed by breakfast croissants (I'm making this a thing) with mom. I was welcomed with a hug when I got to uni and didn't do that much in class. We spent lunch break at starbucks and although it wasn't particularly birthday-y, as I was slightly over-caffeinated we had a good laugh and took stupid pictures and of course since I was closer to home than I was to school I ended up ditching Philosophy bc it's my birthday and I can.

I spent the afternoon studying in a fluffy pajamas, but it wasn't all that bad and felt pretty damn productive for a change (these days have been the pinnacle of procrastiation). Then we went to dinner at a veggie restaurant with a somewhat random assortment of family and friends and everyone liked it. I mean dad liked it! And the people from the restaurant gave me a gift in the end!

When we got home, they sang happy birthday and we took pictures with sparkles and I got the best gifts. Like. WOAH. I know this is materalistic af but who doesn't like getting the things they asked for birthday?? A new laptop!!!!!!!!!!! Lush things!!!!!!!! Food!!!!!! Overly warm scarves to hibernate in class!!!!! 

This birthday was atypical in many ways, starting with being 200km away from home (whatever that is) to not being around the usual people, but maybe that's why it was so special. Because I felt and still feel so so so immensely blessed and loved loved loved to the point it this felt somhow like home. A new kind of home. The first birthday of this new life I am creating every day these days, on my terms. Getting a chance like that and a life like this makes me feel profoundly lucky and grateful.Today was like a rollercoaster that only goes up. A crescendo of tiny special moments of happy that added up to an amazing "ordinary" day which hopefully forsees an amazing year. A brand new year of this new life that starts now.

Tomorrow is the first day of christmas ♥


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the cure to all evils

by M


if anyone asks, i'll be wrapped in a blanket watching twilight. 

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2015 in hindsight

by M

I must confess: these posts always make me a tad nervous. Looking back is generally a dangerous task, and +360 days seem like a lifetime when you want to analyze them—even though 2015 flew by, at least for me. I’m always scared I’ll overlook some aspects or focus too much on less relevant ones.


The year started off with one of the fondest memories I have—New Year’s Eve in Lisbon, with my lifelong friend and one of my favorite people in the world, Johanna. Just the two of us, walking through the city aimlessly, cooking dinner together (it was yum), going on and on for hours about our celebrity crushes, watching the fireworks in the crowd, getting O.D. on chocolate, watching good films and chatting until the sun rose like we used to do in Elementary school. And then, a long trip home in a mostly empty train, all by myself—I swear, it could’ve been yesterday.


One of the most important and remarkable things of 2015 was the drastic change I did to my diet and lifestyle. I started eating greens! If you told 2014-me I would be gladly asking for lettuce and spinach and having seconds, she’d be shocked (I still am, a little). For the first six months of the year I cleaned most nasties out of my diet—cookies, Nutella, croissants, fries—and swapped them for huge smoothies and buckets of soup. I didn’t quit the sinful food at all! I just learned to eat it in moderation (and not every day, various times a day like I used to) and started working out on a daily basis. If you’re looking for some New Year’s motivation, let me tell you: it felt a m a z i n g! It was worth it! If only I’d listen to my own advice, because I summer kicked of… I ruined it all. Only now am I starting to get back on track (but we’ll get there!).


Another big thing of 2015 was year 11, which was the penultimate year of High School for me… and the toughest school year of my whole life. For a long time I felt unmotivated, lost and very, very tired. But I managed to win the battle with a 19,5 out of 20 in the Philosophy final, of which I couldn’t be any prouder! Hard work does pay off, after all. It really was the bestest of rewards I could possibly have had.


Around the time I was studying my butt off for said exam, I came across the vegan “movement” through YouTube. With Ethics on one hand and Essena O’Neill & Co on the other, I quit meat in a blink of an eye, with zero regrets and no missing at all. That might be a good topic for a different post, though! For now I’ll say it was The decision of 2015—the one that shaped both me and the rest of the year for the better.


As the second half of the year rolled around, with Senior High kicking off in September I had to face the decisions that are yet to come but fast approaching. The last few months of the year were carved with anxiety regarding what the future holds and what my options are—especially when it comes to uni and a Gap Year prospect that my parents are steadily frowning upon.


2015 was undoubtedly a year of great and amazing self-discovery. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be when you’re sixteen-going-on-seventeen as my birthday is only in November. However, with discovery comes doubt and sometimes other not-so-good-things. It was around October when I started suspecting I have “winter blues”, otherwise known as Seasonal Affective Disorder. To this date I’m still unsure; in all honesty, I’ve never told anybody until now. That’s the beauty in writing for me; it gives me the bravery and freedom to say things that I’m terrified of verbalizing. As for S.A.D., I remain undiagnosed but my suspicions maintain. And it was indeed a huge battle in those final months of 2015.


Maybe that’s why writing year reviews has always been so hard for me—the end is always coated in grey days, both outside and in my mind. And we all know it’s hard to look beyond both the near past and the downsides. However I will not let this keep me from saying—with conviction—that 2015 was an amazing year. A year that I had the courage to act in order to become a better me, a me closer to the one I want to be.


And for that I couldn’t be any more proud or any more grateful.

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