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This morning I got a random message from Alice asking when I was leaving. She said we need to see each other before I leave (obvs). "I want you to take a pot of our honey with you." Yes. This is my friend from middle school, Alice. This was also probably the sweetest thing that's ever happened.


Later today I talked to Lara. Eventually I felt the need to ask her directly why she wasn't coming to my goodbye party. She said "her parents don't think it's a good idea." Fuck her parents. But honestly, fuck her too. Fuck her for being my bestfriend for the past 4 years and not giving a shit about me leaving. Moments after that she tell me she can't come to Lisbon for the weekend too, "because she's broke". Well 


So here's to the people left behind. Goodbye, I love you. I'll see you at Christmas. Maybe, maybe not. And here's to the people in the sidelines while I follow my dreams. People like Alice. We'll stay in touch. 


That's the whole fucking point.


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Deciding is choosing and choosing means always losing something in favor of something else.

Said my first philopshy teacher, back in fall/winter 2013. I was already in love with the subject at that point and this was just one of those things that stuck with me. I knew when I heard it that I would hold onto those words many times throughout life. This is one of those times.


I didn't decide going to London on a whim, rather I did it step by step. First when I went to that 'study in the uk' fair back in senior year. Then through researching thouroughly every possible degree and university. When I booked a meeting and convinced my mom to come with me. When I sent my final application at the beginning of uni. In a hazy november morning in which I promptly answered "yes" when asked if my place at Goldsmiths should be firmed. In a way, even way before that when in nineth grade I decided I wanted to a gap year; although not quite the same thing, it was still a plan to leave.


I was asked on studyblr why I was planning to move to London rather than finishing my degree here. After a moment of pondering I answered (and realized then) "I always wanted to study abroad". And to be honest that's the truth, for years now that's been on my mind. When I finally got accepted it was like a piece falling into place. I truly feel like a lot of things have led to this (no, it wasn't coincidence). All of this is to say that I want to go like I've never wanted anything my life! It was a pipe dream for so long and now it really is a dream come true; some times I feel like might have to pinch myself 'is this real life?'. I realize this is going to change my life forever in every single aspect of it, but at the same time I know it's all meant to be and things will all turnout well in the end, no matter what.


However, I feel like people think I'm doing this light-heartedly. Like I'm just casually leaving life and everything I've ever known behind, effortlessly. Do not be fooled my friend, because for every inch of me that is hysterical about going, another one is aching about leaving. These are two different things in my mind - going and leaving. They co-exist peacefully in some sort of simbiose because that's just the way things are: you choose and you inherently leave something behind. This text is in honour of all the things that I know damn well I'm leaving by going.


People. I have wrote and rewrote about my awareness of how for the most part things don't last forever. And how that's okay. I know that by leaving I'm going to lose touch with old friends and newer ones. I knew all along this year that I was giving up on the people that I met and have grown to love in Lisbon. I know some people won't be able to keep up with me miles away, the same way I won't be able to keep up with them. And as much as it is okay (it really is, I promise), it's still hurts a little. Hurts to know my parents are growing older too and that I will be witnessing that from afar. And so are my grandparents which are well beyond their own life expectancy. And my sister who is steadily but surely becoming an adult. Little things like birthdays and dinner parties that I'll miss and won't ever get back. Having lunch with mom on an uni break or dinner with dad when it's just the two of us. These things that I love so much and could never take for granted. Hurts to know that it has been my own personal choice for my own personal future and life to put friendships and people on hold. I'm not a fool to expect everyone and everything will be the same when I get back. But there's beauty in that too. In the people who are able to say I'll be here on the sidelines while follow your dreams.


Last but definitely not least - no one can possibly understand how much it hurts to have willingly decided to stop riding. Everyone who meets me from now on won't know me as the horse girl. Every time I'm on the saddle these days feels like a precious little gift from God Himself. And it terrifies me knowing that as soon as I hop on that plane on september 17th, I won't know when I'll be riding again. The only thing giving me solace is that I refuse to believe this is it, the end, but rather a hiatus. I know whithin me I'll never stop being the crazy horse girl, even if people won't see me that way anymore. I'm just putting that label to rest for a while in order to give space and time to other sides of me to bloom. 


You could ask me whether the cons outweight the pros, but here's what I know. I will make new friends, even if they don't replace the lost ones. I will call and facetime and show up on my parent's doorstep unnannounced. I will be home for the summer writing long posts and listening to Taylor Swift on warm attic nights. We'll still hop on planes to see and discover the world together. I will have stories to tell and to hear about with my friends who stay. And eventually, I will find my way back to where I belong: at the barn.

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family bonding

by M

Dad (to my sister): Why do you paint your nails white, if they're already white?


Grandma (mutters): Men don't understand a thing, really.

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thank you

by M

It's 3am and I found myself reading through my old blog - in 15 minutes I went through a whole year worth of posts. I wrote about not being able to write and how writing in English was becoming increasingly confortable. 

I know I haven't been writing half as much as I wish or had planned, but even so I'm writing more and better than I was in that final year. This post is just an acknowledgement - thank you past-me for making the decision to create this blog; and thank you writing-me for taking it in an unplanned direction. One that certainly doesn't feature on most "blogger" agendas. But at least I found my voice and my words again, and for that I couldn't be more grateful.

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I remember being a silly 13 year old sleeping over at my grandparents' when I had a fallout with one of my best friends. My sister and I stayed up talking in the dark, like girls do. I was so frustrated and I remember she told me that nothing last forever. I was so angry then, at the world for being so mean and at her, because deep down I knew she was right. But I refused to settle for that and thought maybe I could one day prove her wrong.


Fast forward a few years later to the beginning of high school. I had lost touch with that friend and on my way to lose touch with some others (not to spoil it for you, that's what happens). Clinging onto friendships that were void and running after people who clearly didn't want to be run after. And then it hit me; one day I woke up and I realized I had conformed after all. I had learn the hard way that, in fact, nothing lasts forever. Especially not people. They come and go from your life like tides, ironically, pulled by the moon. 


By this time I had fully developped a slight obsession with the moon. Other than an inexplicable fascination that had always (and still does) drawn me into it, it was this sense of belief that when everything comes and goes, the moon stays. Even when you can't see it, you know it's there, as cliché as it sounds. And that brought me a new found hope that maybe, one day, I might find something that stayed too, eventually. 


I've spent these past few years making peace with the idea that everything is ephemeral and, furthermore, that that's okay. That the things which come into your life are brought with God's purpose, a lesson to learn, to make you wiser and, often, kinder. And that when the time comes it's okay to let them go and be grateful that they were ever in your life in the first place. But somewhere in the process of letting go I lost the ability to let in. Nobody ever tells you that--they remind you how important what it is to let go, but they don't teach you how to ever let people and opportunity in again. How to welcome it with a smile and say I'm happy you're here now, no matter how long you stay. So I closed myself up, built myself a shell and kept things out. People especially. 


I have talked about it before, how my life these past few of months feels like the closing of a chapter, a season finale if you will. Hell, this past year since high school ended and even more so now that I am moving away for real. I'm trying my best to not let change and the fear of the unknown petrify me. I'm letting it sweep me off my feet one step of a time and trying to hold on through this ride, take the best from it, learn and grow. And it's been bittersweet, but undoubtedly sweeter than bitter. Something I've been doing is paying attention to all of those little things we take for granted in everyday life but that now, I see, are ephemeral, too, in their own way. Quality time with the family, for instance, staying a little longer at the barn, trying harder not to postpone dinners with friends. I made a list of things that make home home. I wrote about coming back here and my nights up in the attic, lying on the floor, writing. Just like today, like right now. It's 4:00am and it feels like the whole town is asleep a part from myself, tucked away in this little safe haven, a tad bit closer to the sky (to the moon). It's been a time of introspection and retrospection. A whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that have been haunting me for the past months and which I fail to put into words, like they're in a different language somehow. 


Truth is something has felt different for a while now. I feel like the move to Lisbon shook my world just enough to put things into a different perspective. And when they finally settled into place, there was a new order, yet I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Everything changed in my daily life and with that something finally changed within me, too, and suddenly I feel like I figured it out. I was just lying here on the carpet, staring at the ceiling and I had this sudden urge to listen to Mine. I put it on and it was like the sound of pieces falling into place. 


It's that I found that somethings are not ephemeral, after all. That sitting here crying listening to Taylor Swift doesn't feel all that different from what it did back in 2010. That I'm still the same girl with a passion for words and an urge to write them down and dreams that could never be contained within the sum of my parts. That it's been a while but I still feel the same. That, perhaps most surprisingly, some people are gone indeed, but most have stayed. That like Mags said time passes and, sometimes, things just don't change. Things like Speak Now playing in the background or this goddamned attic that's been the stage for my late night mental breakdowns through the years, or the nights talking with my sister in the dark.


And yes, this things will too come to an end, one day. Maybe we'll sell the house. Maybe C and I won't share bedrooms anymore. Maybe I'll grow out of Taylor Swift, although I highly doubt it. Maybe these friends will become acquaintances at some point. But for once, that's okay. Because while they last, no matter how long or how little, they are infinite in their nature. Some kind of energy that cannot be destroyed and therefore cannot end, but only renewed. Recycled in that I will carry a part of all these things and moments and people with me throughout the rest of my life, for they have shaped me and will continue to do so.



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life update

by M

Today I've packed most of my stuff from Lisbon and took the train back home. I didn't bring just clothes and toiletries, but more permanent stuff like my stuffed horse, cameras and purses. Classes are over and I spent the whole of last week soaking up Lisbon in all of its sunshiny glory, frolicking around town with my friends. We went south for the weekend I couldn't believe just how much I missed the beach. Sure I was at the beach in April in Malaysia, but it's different here. It's our beaches somehow, and the routines we've grown around it as family. The way we position ourselves in the sand almost always the same, how I end up crawling to the shade eventually while dad fries up in the sun for hours on end, mom's swims and how my sister always wants to stay a little bit longer.


And just like that, it seems, summer is upon us. My hair has grown into braids and for the first time in a long time I can't remember the last time I cut it. I finished this first year of uni, which was also the last. This last few weeks were just a hazy stretch of time, waiting for motivation that never came while cramming a semester's worth of workload into endless days, too many papers and little hours of sleep. It was not half as stressful as the first semester, mostly because I didn't let it be. Because I kept my focus on passing instead of succeeding for once. It didn't feel completely right, to be honest, but it was worth it. I skept uni to go to London and it really ignited a new kind of spark. Maybe the premise of a new chapter, or holding your breath when your about to leap into the pool.


Now I'm back home and today it really feels like it. How the sunset poured into the kitchen at dinner time, and just sitting here in the dimly lit attic, with the steady tic-toc of the clock while watching series and writing, at last.


I can't keep myself from wondering where the hell did time go. But I've been trying not to give much thought into it, especially considering what it means to have gotten here. June, that is. In 3 months I'll be living oceans away from home.

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by M


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on manchester

by M

Last night I went to bed hours later than planned. I stayed up going through the updates, refreshing all pages hoping really hard it had only been an accident. A speaker blew up, I thought. Some sort of technical failure. Then, around 1:30am the police said it had been a suicide bombing and they were treating it as a terrorist attack until further evidence. The truth is from the moment the police took charge, evacuating the Victoria Station and all, deep down I knew. Deep down we all knew, because we have grown accustomed, familiar even. 


When I finally put my phone down I found myself wondering, for what seems like the millionth time in the last couple of years, how do we go on. How do I get up tomorrow knowing it could've been me or one of my friends? How do those families move on when they won't see their kids ever again? How do we live our lives wondering where next?, who next? It's like we live as though life were a minefield.


But life does carry on somehow. For us, at least; the survivors. I had nightmares about it and when the alarm went off I didn't even hit snooze, for once. I picked up my phone and went through the updates, which were only agravated numbers of what I'd read prior. To be honest I didn't even know what I was looking for... It feels profoundly useless and hopeless to stand here watching as the world as we know it worsens before our eyes. I wore all black today and not for a moment did this leave the back of my mind. As I waited for my instructor at the driving school, I didn't open whatsapp to send Lara and Q a complaining selfie. At uni I thought my friends didn't know because everything was the same. I didn't scroll through instagram in class but rather through the Guardian. But once again, aimlessly.


It felt as though the only thing I could do for those people and their families and friends was keeping them on my mind and heart the whole day, mourning. Knowing every second that my day went on, it could've not. Because it could've been me, over and over again. Or my friends or pretty much anyone I know.


I think for some reason this things hit me harder than most people. Maybe it's because I'm not sheltered by the safety of that stupid small town anymore, or maybe because I'm leaving to one of the most targeted cities in the near future. I know people who live in Manchester, and people who's friends were at the concert. And so far it seems everyone is safe, thankfully, but it was mere luck.


I can't keep myself from wondering when will my luck run out.

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about this era

by M

I feel like sims stopped looking like humans, but humans started to look like sims

roxi 1.png


bun 1.png


nikkie 1.png

...and I'm not sure how I feel about it.


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weekend snippets

by M

i have an above-average ability to be myself & i think that weekend really proved it it.


on friday i stayed home until sunset and then went to the supermarket to buy ingredients for soup. then i made soup and watched a film after dinner.


on saturday i had breakfast and lunch at one of my favorite cafés, tartine, and also finished most of my notes for uni. i shopped for awhile before coming back home, just before the city went bananas with the football finals. i made myself a chocolate mugcake and stayed up late watching the eurovision results, making the video and overall falling for amar pelos dois, which i didn't expect to. it never felt lonely because i was texting my sister, whatsapping with Lara and Q and speaking to London people on facebook.


sunday saw a late start and a lot of lazying. i spent too much time on whatsapp gossiping and eventually had to go to leave the house if i wanted to get any work done. i went to fábrica, which is also one of my favorite cafés in town and i knew it doesn't have wifi which helped through 7 pages of the worst text ever. it got so boring i felt compelled to order carrot cake and then walked back home. 


and eventually mariana got home and the weekend was over. here are some snippets:



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