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you're here, you made it. i never doubted one second of the way. don't you dare apologise ever again.

 

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27
Nov17

2017-11-27

by M

I sat down at my desk just a little over a year ago trying to write my personal statement. The first sentence is the most important, was the main advice I'd gathered from my extensive research. I am known for sucking at introductions, so a few attempts later with a bit of frustration I stopped to think about it. I said to myself: stop trying to impress them, just be honest and authentic. These were my first few sentences:

 

On August 6th 2015, a Facebook post raised 150.000£ and filled four warehouses with item donations almost overnight. That post changed thousands of lives at the Calais Refugee Camp. I stumbled upon this information earlier this year, when my worry about the ongoing refugee crises spiked. From that moment on, I realized how much of a powerful tool the media are in social awareness, and ultimately social change.

 

And just like that I had a catchy first sentence and an engaging introduction, because I was writing from my heart. It was no news for anyone when I chose media, but it might've been a little bit of news for myself. Because suddenly I had a reason, a purpose that was pulling me this way. And then I put on my tough coat and my resilience boots and packed my bags and came to London. But it's been almost a year and a very hectic one for sure. I've told you how it felt after all these years dreaming and hoping to be here, finally being able to take a deep breathe (although still panting), and you find youself asking now what? Eventually you've settled down and got used to it and somehow you feel a bit lost because you're not quite sure where to turn to.

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When I saw Jack's post on instagram I reminded myself this is what it's like to be living in London - where things happen, where everything happens. It's about swaying on swingsets with Jane at Tate Modern, watching the sun set over the skyscrapers at Primrose Hill, walking around Camden Market with Katya, eating chips in Covent Garden with Vendy and somedays it's about doing it all by yourself. Like booking tickets to this exhibition, and it just so happens to be a photography (which I love) exhibition about the refugee crisis (which I'm so passionate about) by Jack Harries (one of the people who has inspired me the most growing up and that continues to inspire me everyday). 

 

So the whole day I was wondering about it, like a song playing at an annoying volume in the back of my mind. I kept asking myself what will you say when really what is there not to be said? What words to prioritise? And so I went and there were butterflies in my stomach the whole time. But then I saw those photos and I instantly felt the way it always makes me feel: a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, and I just want to YELL at the world and PUNCH it in the face. Shake the West by the shoulders and scream THERE IS ALL THIS BLOOD IN YOUR HANDS WHEN WILL YOU NOTICE. But really you just stand there in awe. Looking at these pictures of these people that are people just like us and whom are paying the price of crimes they not only didn't commit, but were victim to. Hoping no one will notice your watery eyes and the shake in your hands. And you feel useless. And then it occurred to me that they must've felt it too. Alice and Jack spent months collecting these pictures from various spots across Europe, witnessing the suffering and despair first hand. Just then I knew what to say. I asked how do I take all this ANGER and RAGE and put into something effective and how to I find a way to make that voice be heard. And Jack told me (cannot believe my own words) that I need to let that passion take me to the places so that I can see and speak up and that the world is at the tip of my fingers with social media if only we have the guts. That I don't need anyone else but me to just go and start. Just like it only took Jaz one day trip to Calais and one Facebook post to change and save lives in the Jungle refugee camp. At this point I was ready to leave the building and sit on a bench crying because what is life and then I literally run into Jaz walking in and I was like WHAT IT IS LIFE HONESTLY.

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Everything came full circle today. Like, 4 years ago I was trapped in a town that I hated, with dreams too big to be fulfiled there. 2 years ago I was utterly lost and had no idea what to do with my life. And now I'm here, following those dreams in a city that opens doors instead of shutting them, carving my own path in a direction that is still somewhat unknown but is definitely heading somewhere. I am here for all of these reasons: the kid who watched JacksGap on school breaks with friends, the kid who played with MovieMaker when she was bored, the kid who asked for a DSLR on her 15th birthday, the kid who decided to do media for social change. All of these brought me here. I brought me here. And if I keep listening to that kid, who knows where it'll take me.

 

I am so grateful.

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25
Nov17

by M

i bought a bunch of books for my birthday and it's been hard not to fill this blog with beautiful rupi kaur poems, but i'll leave this one here: not my favourite, but perhaps the most relatable.

when i grow up i wanna be like her.

 

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18
Nov17

2am thoughts

by M

i spent my whole entire albeit short life chasing after something. now i'm standing still, panting, and it feels like i'm holding the most precious thing on earth in my shaky hands. what if i lose it, or if it falls or if it breaks.

 

sometimes it's too much pressure to handle.

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17
Nov17

it's been a while

by M

i'm back at that point in which life is happening so fast that it's hard to sit down and write about it, and the more i postpone it, the more i have to write about and then it's just seems like it's too much too put into words. but i'll try my best.

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i went home for reading week which was just as amazing as it was overwhelming. it was so great to let go of adulting for a while, not having to worry about groceries and dishes and toilets to clean and laundry to do. but at the same time it felt weird sliding back into that role of being a daughter and living in a cohesive household. either way it felt normal to be home, which i didn't know i was expecting it not to. it was fun to run around town trying to catch up with friends and for once i actually did it. when you are away and only have a set amount of time to see people, things just work themselves out. which in a way is kind of sad, because it means if i were around i would probably not make as much effort to see them (nor would they). but i'm glad i did. monday i had hot chocolate with emma and carolina. tuesday i had pizza for lunch with alice, and then met q and crashed her class. we went for cocktails over sunset and sushi dinner with lara. on wednesday i went riding but idk if it were better or worse. i missed it more than i could put into words and in a sense being on the saddle felt no different at all. it was like it had been 2 days rather than 2 months, and i was so grateful for that, because i don't wanna lose it. but i hated being there feeling like it isn't my place anymore, like even if just a little a bit i don't belong there anymore. it broke my already broken heart. by the time i hopped on the car with mom that evening, i was overwhelmed and overthinking, i caught myself wondering i just wanna go back to london. there's a balance between london-life and home-life i haven't quite mastered yet, of course, and some moments back home they felt totally incompatible. i know that's not true and not fair, but i'm being honest here and that's what it felt like leaving the house on wednesday night.

 

back in lisbon things got better, naturally. the house has always had this specific smell and i wondered how that smell went from being someone else's house, to being home and now a new kind of category of being somewhere that used to be home. i went to see my friends at uni and even crashed their class and went to one of those lousy su parties and the whole time i was thinking how much easier life was in lisbon in a lot of ways, but how i wouldn't go back to it for anything in this world. living in lisbon was like i was living a borrowed life: one that fit me well but wasn't quite my style. and i've mentioned times and times over how much i love that city dearly, in ways i couldn't possibly love london because they're just too different. the same way i'm growing to love london in ways that lisbon couldn't possibly be loved. anyway. i had a great time. mags and i went for our usual breakfast at our usual spot, and there's like a million other breakfast spots in town that we haven't even tried but i like how it's our thing. and of course we ended up staying there chatting for two hours. then in the evening i went to patricia's birthday dinner which was pizza so yum and then we went to park for drinks and it was the best back-to-lisbon spot. the views, the atmosphere, how we sat outside in a november night, delicious cocktails that seem quite cheap now. everything was perfect. even staying home on friday finishing up my essays in pajamas practically all day felt perfect. and by the end of the afternoon we went to the mall and even though i didn't buy anything or had a starbucks drink it was nice to just walk around the neighbourhood for a while as the sun set.

 

on saturday i packed up and headed to the airport with the fam and a bonus of q who joined me for a few days in london. it was a hectic day, driving up north, the usual airplane delay, train ride back to central. although i still feel like a tourist wandering the city, getting lost in the maze of tfl, always with google maps in hand, although i live in a dirty road with nothing but fried chicken and kebab shops, although it's only been 2 months, i opened the door to my boxy room last saturday and i thought of it as home. or at least a tiny piece of london that belongs to me.

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I woke up an hour before my alarm with sunrays seeping beneath the curtains, casting a glow on these otherwide dull walls. Despite having gone to bed at 4am, I decided to get up and have a shower, get the day going. I had to clean the toilet (which I hate) and then the soap dispenser fell and broke. There was soap and glass all over my freshly cleaned bathroom. I don't have a mop so I had to cause a flood with the shower head in order to clean it all up properly. I was annoyed but I didn't let it ruin the day, so I took a deep breath and got it over with. Then I played some fall tunes and sang along for awhile while I tidied up the bedroom. I ran out of coffee but I told myself I deserved to indulge after the previous events, so I went downstairs to the café next door and spent 3.2£ on a soy cappuccino but oh boy was it worth it. It tastes like every fall morning should, foamy, bitter with a hint of sweetness. 

I need to get back to my reading now.

 

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21
Out17

2017-10-21

by M

swinging on a swingset with jane at tate modern. movements coordinated, the short length of our hair swept by speed, the smiles on our faces and we tried to speak but kept being interrupted by laughs.

my fondest memory of london so far.

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16
Out17

by M

if i hear anyone say climate change isn't a thing ever again i will punch their heads out of their asses, look out of your fucking window you moron.

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  • did some reading on the college green with jane. the sun 🌞 was setting and casting a lazy light 🌇 on the man building and in ourselves. it was so very quiet apart from the trees rustling 🍃 in the background. i finished my reading 📖  and just lied on the grass 🌱🌾 soaking up the last bits of day light.

  • on another less poetic note, my ikea orders fINALLY came in! it felt like christmas 🎄, i swear. it was a big ass box 📦 and when i got to my block will was standing outside waiting for a friend and offered to carry it for me upstairs 🙌🏼👌🏼. when i got to my room i put on some music 🎶 like the neighbourhood, my chem and muse (!!! it's been YEARS 👵🏼).

  • i'm probably way too hyped up for a sunday evening 🤔.

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13
Out17

2017-10-13

by M

some days you live The Student Life™ some days you are practically a housewife. today I

  • did my laundry
  • cleaned the toilet
  • went to the bank
  • made a complaint
  • had lunch with the girl squad
  • made soup

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