Saltar para: Posts , Pesquisa e Arquivos 
Moving to London might be the no. 1 goal on my 2017 list and while my mind is often planning and daydreaming (and even worrying a little), I have been trying my hardest to appreciate the privilege of studying and living in Lisbon as best as I can. It helps that the weather has been LAesque and my dear sistemics teacher has decided to miss class twice. But nothing can compare to mornings spent in Starbucks, sunsets by the river or afternoon's like today's - in which we left uni at 2pm to go buy (veggie) hot dogs and ate them at the park, no coats, just sunshades and the grass and there we stayed for 2h. When we left the shadow still hadn't reached our spot and the breeze was not enough to puts us off, so I walked home and 7 minutes later here I was.
Thinking about rainy days and cheap coffee and handkerchief-sized dorm rooms is a bit uninspiring right now, but that's why I know it'll be worth it. Because when it's so easy to stay, so legitimate, so appealing in a sense, I still want to go. I still want so very much to go, even though it's hard and dautning and even a little sad. If I'm willing to give up this city and these friendships which are only now starting to bloom, to start over in an unfamiliar darker city, then I must really want to do it. And none of these ever hinders my excitement.
And a lot of people tell me that I won't come back, that I'll be sorta trapped in a country less welcoming but more open -- to opportunity, to education, to success even. I can't know right now if this is true and to be honest I don't even dare pondering on it; when tomorrow's uncertain as it is, I can't bring myself to think much further. But if that's the case, at least I'll have Lisbon to call home -- that alone is a blessing.
today i drove past the police without a license
After almost 2 months of winter break, uni restarted today. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad at all either. The weather was fine, in fact, fine enough for us to hop on the subway after classes and spend the rest of the afternoon sitting by the river watching the sunset. It did rain a little but we ran to the covered part and it passed. It was funny watching the river stomp against concrete as if it were the sea.
Turns out my grades were actually better than expected. I ended up with an average of 15, which considering I had a 10 is saying something. But I did say my degree wasn't hard, though. Expectations for this semester are real high, with a driver's license on the way, the days growing and growing before our eyes and the sneeky promise of a Spring that may or may not come, so we can spend more afternoons like today's. But mainly, less work and less fussy work. Hopefully.
I finished my sewing course with both a pair of shorts and a top I'll never wear, but at least I did them myself and now I know how to use a sewing machine, so who knows what comes next. Probably a swimsuit if my body anxiety (is that a thing?) doesn't get (too much) in the way. Or maybe my sister will wear it.
I did go to Paris with mom 2 weeks ago and no, I didn't pay to entry the d'Orsay which was nice since it wasn't that cool. On the other hand, the 11€ paid to the Centre Pomopidou were very, very well spent. I ended up staying there for like 2h or so, which anihilated my plans to go to Urban Outfitters - yes, it was that cool. It was freezing but it was perfect - from the hour spent in the best bookshop ever, to the chai lattes on my way to the Seine, breakfast at Angelina's and even supermarket dinners at the hotel. Wandering alone in a city I've been to but don't quite know myself was such a unique experience. I love Paris so much which is so out of character. (Maybe it's just the croissants.) Videos of Paris can be found over on my YouTube channel here, but promise not to cringe too much.
On another note, I still haven't finished that stupid TEFL course which keeps haunting me on and on. Hopefully it'll be done by the end of the goddamned week. I didn't do the Digital Marketing course either, not because I didn't have the time, simply because it was boring and pointless. Not what I expected. Surprisingly, I only watched 1,5 seasons of series during these 2 months. I really don't know what to say about that, I'm quite disappointed myself. BUT: stranger. things. Yes. That's all my friends.
On another note, I did other things that weren't planned. I bought watercolors and... attempted it. Like I mentioned, I made my first donation and pierced my ear. I did 16h of Traffic Code lessons in 1 week. Now I need to get started with the actual driving, which is slightly scarier than expected. Also, I went to the barn a lot, which feels very important right now. Every opportunity counts. And I caught up with Lara quite a bit, to make up for the next few months when we won't see much of each other.
And I slept. Not as much as I once would've, but I guess I really am getting old...
Dodie's video with A LOT of spoilers:
The best thing on the iPhone is the drawings you can put on your messages.
and since we're on the mood for serial posting, i'm taking the opportunity to mention that this blog turned 1 on the 17th. it's 7 years i've been sharing my thoughts online and this last year has been so different. i think this blog and this format have truly helped me find my voice even if that includes no capital letter, messy punctuation and overusing italic expressions. that was something i didn't know i was lacking and that has helped me write more effortleslly and often more genuinely.
in hindsight this 1st year was not the one i was expecting--these weren't the things i was expecting to write about when i embarked "on this crazy journey of finding my truer self" but surprisingly i still wrote them. and i guess the journey is still the same, just taking a different road. that's okay.
here's to another year of writing. hopefully, more.
mind you, this isn't a post for johanna. for a while i thought about actually writing an "open letter for johanna" because i wanted to sort my thoughts out. but i realized i don't really have anything to say because i've said it all. for once in my life i literally don't have anything else to add.
this is kind of a follow up to the last post--which initially was supposed to be about being grateful that i have normal parents and can frolick around lisbon. in a unexpected turn of events it became a bit of a rant on privilege and even capitalism if you dig deep enough, but mostly about some resent that almost a year later i still held about what happened between johanna and me. which by the way i don't know what was. i really have ZERO ZÉRO CERO NULL idea what happened. i would very much like to know but really after all this time... would it matter? but a year is a enough time for one develop some speculations--which, honestly, i can't even remember what they're based on? like sure she's kinda let be somewhat clear that i am a spoiled brat in the past... but even i know that?? i don't know how i came up with this explanation but knowing my brain like i do dumb explanations, actually any explanation is better than no explanation at all so we settled for this i guess.
honestly i don't even know if things could be fixed at this point. for once she's made it pretty clear she's not interested. and i am still so mad and offended, like i'd never been before really, that i don't know what i'd do. i am terrified i'll bump into her in lisbon someday. but god knows how i'd pay to have her explain this to me. i wouldn't even try to stand up for myself. i would gladly sit there quietly and hear it, i'm that curious at this point.
sometimes i wonder if she reads this. but then again that would be something i would do. and i wouldn't have stopped talking to her in a blink of an eye nor would i do a lot of the other nasty stuff she's done. and the funny thing is i still miss her and her sassy remarks and the presence she was in my life. there's still a huge gap in the place she once stood somehow. and that's why to this day i'm still in utter UTTER disbelief. i can't believe the person who i miss so dearly is the same that said and done those things. it simply boggles my mind. that's why for a long time i was so mad. why would she to this to us WHY. how DARE she. now i just learned to live with the ghost of memories and good times (that stupid new york polaroid still in my wallet although i never look at it) and the satisfection of at least having my theory confirmed--that absolutely everything is ephemeral (except the moon, of course). that is a topic for another post entirely.
also this has had me thinking that maybe i didn't know her that well all long. i used to think of or friendship as a permanent "brutal honesty" game. i guess i was the only playing.
and in case i do have this all wrong you're actually reading this johanna. i am still waiting for that godamned letter. and god knows i might be dumb enough to forgive you. although today is not the day.
Admitedly, the tag #ramble has been overused as of lately. As this shitty week is finally coming to an end (weekend doesn't really count. hopefully) and because I've managed to post quite a lot but just as shittly I wanted to end it on a different note.
Being at home for over a month doing nothing has given me some headspace and reflection time which I didn't even realize I needed so much. It's been therapeutic and a lil scary (but mostly therapeutic). When silly things like cancelled plans or mistaken schedules go wrong I do get really frustrated. But at the same time I take the opportunity to realize how lucky I am. How lucky that my parents have never stopped me from doing things because I had to study, let alone when I'm 18 and at uni. How lucky that I get to travel to and fro Lisbon as much as I please and somewhat pointlessly. How lucky I am to have a house and my little bedroom in a city like that. How lucky I am that I get to come home to my attic and central heating. How lucky that I get to whine about how shitty a meeting about moviNG TO EFFING LondON was or the fact that I have to pay 11€ to go to a museum in Paris next week.
How lucky that truly I have known no real struggle in my whole entire life.
And while I have somewhat been accused of being a spoiled whining brat in the past, please make no mistake. Because even on my worst days--actually, mostly on those days I am fully and each time more and more aware that I'm in a position of absolute privilege and that the odds are all on my side and perhaps even the stars have aligned for me. And I pray, quite literally, I pray that it stays that way and not for a second do I take it for granted. I do my best not to anyway. That being said I am not sorry for my position. I don't wish it upon myself that I had been born in lesser conditions and I am not ashamed of it. I'm not sorry for embracing this privileged white girl life that has been offered to me with a cherry on top and I will play it to my full advantage for as long as can. And I will try my best to put into others' advantage as well because those two aren't mutually exclusive. The fact that some people are living absolute hell while I get to live like this overwhelms me to the point I have to force myself not to overanalyze it.
This is not a bragging post. This is explicitly a post about gratitude. I am in love with this life of mine that I'm only now starting to grasp. But that doesn't take away my right to be sad or mad or frustrated or worried or scared or anxious or anything else really. I am entitled to my own feelings and my own opinions and my own place in this world and this society no matter how biased that may be.
turns out i get a free entrance at the musée d'orsay. well. i should complain more often.