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fuck this fucking week fuck you week FUCK YOU
on my almost full 2 months of being 18 the only cool thing that happened was getting my ear pierced without parental approval, and that does not outweigh the privilege of being underage and getting in museums for free.
Today has been the weirdest:
when i grow up i wanna be jessica chastain
i swear one of the things i'm most excited about moving to london is 😍bookshops😍 where
😍all😍 the books are in English, the possibilities are endless and you don't have to wait a month for your order to arrive all scratched in the corners.
I think it might be concerning the amount of times I wonder when supernatural things are going to start occurring in my life. Not in a creepy way like possession or demons (hopefully???). I'm just subconsciously waiting for the day when I find out somewhen is a ~vampire~ or I have some sort of "superpower" or get inadvertently caught up in someone else's parallel dimension travelling. I'm actually quite disappointed it hasn't happened yet.
Or maybe I watch way too many series.
To make justice to my first and foremost "new year resolution" (which you can check out here wink wink) I'm sitting down to write. I would like to make a 2016 hindsight post, but this isn't it. Today I just want to catch up on the past month and a half.
Finals season (which was about four weeks) was the most drained, exhausted, unmotivated, stressed out I have ever been in my life. People in other (more "serious") degrees would laugh and roll their eyes, but I've come to terms with that. My degree isn't hard, my finals aren't that difficul either. It's just that I'm not carved for studying, for sitting in a classroom, for this teaching system... and after the excitement of the first few weeks, the dullness of school life came storming back in and reminded me all too well why I was so desperate to take a year out, to go learn things outside of a classroom for once and potentially find the motivation I lack and gain some much needed persistence. But I survived and my grades won't be those I wished for but for once I don't care. I don't care mainly because I want to be in London next year, in a program that's hopefully more creatively challenging, and I can't take my mind off that. I feel like if I lose my focus for just a second, months will pass by and suddenly it'll all be too late, endless nights crying because I've failed myself, shattered dreams and the scary feeling of settling down for something I don't want. I've learnt that lesson the hard way and I won't let it happen again. That's why I know this year will be different and unequivocally better.
On another note, I think this (last??) year was the most Christmas Spirit I've ever been. I was listening to Christmas playlists on loop, burning spiced candles, decorating to the T, baking ginger cookies and all those shenanigans. It was a way of a escaping the absolute burden of school - I kept telling myself it's almost Christmas as if that almost wasn't a a fuckload of work to do. But it helped counting down the days with a purpose. Also, Christmas was pretty swell. Much like last year's (2015) I felt like it's definitely not about the gifts anymore, which makes me feel kinda old but also kinda proud. I was genuinely surprised with every single gift and I think the feeling that came across was how thoughtful those were, which for me is the main purpose of Christmas. Putting in the effort, taking the time to pick and wrap something for that specific person. I love Christmas and to be fair I'm kinda sad I can't listen to my Christmas jams and burn my Christmas candle and next week the decorations are going to be put down :(
I think (hope?? lol) I managed to pass all my classes and am now enjoying a month and half of vacay at home. This time though I don't want to lazy around in pjs watching series and waking up pornographically up. I really am getting old... So I have some plans - I need to finish my goddamned TEFL Course, I have just applied for a long awaited sewing course (!!!! v excite), I intend to go to Paris with month towards the end of the month, I want to ride twice a week and start doing yoga at home in the morning and maybe do a Digital Marketing Course that's free on google if I have any time left. Also. Sleep. Yes. I really want to sleep. And watch some series ofc. The list is endless. The list is always endless.
(will defs be updated as i think of more stuff)
May this year be filled with more love and trust and less fear. Fuck fear. Give it no space. Suffocate it. Kill it. This is your year, my year. All ours. Eternally grateful for another trip around the sun. Always learning, growing and changing.
May this year be filled with moments like today's.
This birthday kicked off half an hour later than predicted leading a late arrival to a morning yoga class, followed by breakfast croissants (I'm making this a thing) with mom. I was welcomed with a hug when I got to uni and didn't do that much in class. We spent lunch break at starbucks and although it wasn't particularly birthday-y, as I was slightly over-caffeinated we had a good laugh and took stupid pictures and of course since I was closer to home than I was to school I ended up ditching Philosophy bc it's my birthday and I can.
I spent the afternoon studying in a fluffy pajamas, but it wasn't all that bad and felt pretty damn productive for a change (these days have been the pinnacle of procrastiation). Then we went to dinner at a veggie restaurant with a somewhat random assortment of family and friends and everyone liked it. I mean dad liked it! And the people from the restaurant gave me a gift in the end!
When we got home, they sang happy birthday and we took pictures with sparkles and I got the best gifts. Like. WOAH. I know this is materalistic af but who doesn't like getting the things they asked for birthday?? A new laptop!!!!!!!!!!! Lush things!!!!!!!! Food!!!!!! Overly warm scarves to hibernate in class!!!!!
This birthday was atypical in many ways, starting with being 200km away from home (whatever that is) to not being around the usual people, but maybe that's why it was so special. Because I felt and still feel so so so immensely blessed and loved loved loved to the point it this felt somhow like home. A new kind of home. The first birthday of this new life I am creating every day these days, on my terms. Getting a chance like that and a life like this makes me feel profoundly lucky and grateful.Today was like a rollercoaster that only goes up. A crescendo of tiny special moments of happy that added up to an amazing "ordinary" day which hopefully forsees an amazing year. A brand new year of this new life that starts now.
Tomorrow is the first day of christmas ♥