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you know that feeling when you're about to jump into the pool because the water is just a bit too cold for you to walk in through the stairs and so you just stand there, at the edge of the pool, you countdown a million times but you just can't bring yourself to leap and it's like your stomach turns into a balloon each time you say 3
that's what life feels like right now.
sometimes it feels like words are not enough. not in terms of quantity or weight.. they're not tridimensional enough to fulfill my creative needs. but i can't draw, there's nothing here to photograph properly and my life isn't cool enough to be filmmed so i don't know what to do.
today is one of those days.
the current friday night situation is chatting about drugs, politics and religion with a bunch of strangers on a goldsmiths media freshers facebook group.
i swear my life has been reaching all time highs in terms of what the fuckness
ain't got much to say, so i thought i would leave this here to brighten up your day :)
found my old polyvore account today and the bio is "I always fall for fictional characters" story of my life???
life is more than fitting in your jeans. it's love, understanding, positivity.
Moving to London might be the no. 1 goal on my 2017 list and while my mind is often planning and daydreaming (and even worrying a little), I have been trying my hardest to appreciate the privilege of studying and living in Lisbon as best as I can. It helps that the weather has been LAesque and my dear sistemics teacher has decided to miss class twice. But nothing can compare to mornings spent in Starbucks, sunsets by the river or afternoon's like today's - in which we left uni at 2pm to go buy (veggie) hot dogs and ate them at the park, no coats, just sunshades and the grass and there we stayed for 2h. When we left the shadow still hadn't reached our spot and the breeze was not enough to puts us off, so I walked home and 7 minutes later here I was.
Thinking about rainy days and cheap coffee and handkerchief-sized dorm rooms is a bit uninspiring right now, but that's why I know it'll be worth it. Because when it's so easy to stay, so legitimate, so appealing in a sense, I still want to go. I still want so very much to go, even though it's hard and dautning and even a little sad. If I'm willing to give up this city and these friendships which are only now starting to bloom, to start over in an unfamiliar darker city, then I must really want to do it. And none of these ever hinders my excitement.
And a lot of people tell me that I won't come back, that I'll be sorta trapped in a country less welcoming but more open -- to opportunity, to education, to success even. I can't know right now if this is true and to be honest I don't even dare pondering on it; when tomorrow's uncertain as it is, I can't bring myself to think much further. But if that's the case, at least I'll have Lisbon to call home -- that alone is a blessing.
today i drove past the police without a license
After almost 2 months of winter break, uni restarted today. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad at all either. The weather was fine, in fact, fine enough for us to hop on the subway after classes and spend the rest of the afternoon sitting by the river watching the sunset. It did rain a little but we ran to the covered part and it passed. It was funny watching the river stomp against concrete as if it were the sea.
Turns out my grades were actually better than expected. I ended up with an average of 15, which considering I had a 10 is saying something. But I did say my degree wasn't hard, though. Expectations for this semester are real high, with a driver's license on the way, the days growing and growing before our eyes and the sneeky promise of a Spring that may or may not come, so we can spend more afternoons like today's. But mainly, less work and less fussy work. Hopefully.
I finished my sewing course with both a pair of shorts and a top I'll never wear, but at least I did them myself and now I know how to use a sewing machine, so who knows what comes next. Probably a swimsuit if my body anxiety (is that a thing?) doesn't get (too much) in the way. Or maybe my sister will wear it.
I did go to Paris with mom 2 weeks ago and no, I didn't pay to entry the d'Orsay which was nice since it wasn't that cool. On the other hand, the 11€ paid to the Centre Pomopidou were very, very well spent. I ended up staying there for like 2h or so, which anihilated my plans to go to Urban Outfitters - yes, it was that cool. It was freezing but it was perfect - from the hour spent in the best bookshop ever, to the chai lattes on my way to the Seine, breakfast at Angelina's and even supermarket dinners at the hotel. Wandering alone in a city I've been to but don't quite know myself was such a unique experience. I love Paris so much which is so out of character. (Maybe it's just the croissants.) Videos of Paris can be found over on my YouTube channel here, but promise not to cringe too much.
On another note, I still haven't finished that stupid TEFL course which keeps haunting me on and on. Hopefully it'll be done by the end of the goddamned week. I didn't do the Digital Marketing course either, not because I didn't have the time, simply because it was boring and pointless. Not what I expected. Surprisingly, I only watched 1,5 seasons of series during these 2 months. I really don't know what to say about that, I'm quite disappointed myself. BUT: stranger. things. Yes. That's all my friends.
On another note, I did other things that weren't planned. I bought watercolors and... attempted it. Like I mentioned, I made my first donation and pierced my ear. I did 16h of Traffic Code lessons in 1 week. Now I need to get started with the actual driving, which is slightly scarier than expected. Also, I went to the barn a lot, which feels very important right now. Every opportunity counts. And I caught up with Lara quite a bit, to make up for the next few months when we won't see much of each other.
And I slept. Not as much as I once would've, but I guess I really am getting old...
Dodie's video with A LOT of spoilers: